I’m in a dark place. For the last two weeks I’ve been spending every bit of energy I have to pretend that I’m okay. I am not.
If you know me and you’ve seen me you probably think I’m great. At work I’m really good at pretending that I’m perfect. Around friends I’m really good at putting on the happy face. Online I post happy status updates and smiling photos. It’s a lie. Every single second of every single day I am fighting back the need to lay in a dark room and cry.
It’s exhausting. I am exhausted.
I am trying very hard to hold on to my Furiously Happy. Happy memories and the people near me who love me are what are keeping me afloat right now. Without the support I’ve been getting from online friends, kind words of understanding support from real life friends and, most importantly, Ben’s constant understanding, support and love, I would be lost.
It sucks. It sucks so bad. But I know that it’s temporary. I know that this will pass. The scary part is that because of the situation, I know it’s going to get more painful and more sad and more exhausting before it gets better.
But it will get better.
“Without the dark there isn’t light. Without the pain there is no relief. And I remind myself that I’m lucky to be able to feel such great sorrow, and also such great happiness. I can grab on to each moment of joy and live in those moments because I have seen the bright contrast from dark to light and back again. I am privileged to be able to recognize that the sound of laughter is a blessing and a song, and to realize that the bright hours spent with my family and friends are extraordinary treasures to be saved, because those same moments are a medicine, a balm. Those moments are a promise that life is worth fighting for, and that promise is what pulls me through when depression distorts reality and tries to convince me otherwise.”
– Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things