Another reason I need to stop getting dressed in the dark.

So like back in the day when I was still allowed to dress like a bum at work I wore flip flops one day. This wasn’t normal, usually I wore Chucks or cute shoes with my jeans and tshirt so that I could at least pretend that I had put some effort into my outfit. On days when I was too tired to care (I get dressed in the dark at 4:30AM!) I would fly down the stairs and slip into the closest pair of flip flops I could find and run out the door.

So one day I come home and Cassidy and I are talking and she stops mid-sentence and looks at me confused.

Cassidy: Mom, why are you wearing two different color flip flops?
Me: What!?
Cassidy: One is hot pink and one is red!
Cassidy: Did you wear those at work all day?

Seriously, this is the pile I was dealing with! At 5:00AM! In the dark! At least they were CLOSE colors!

<3 Old Navy $1.00 flip flop sale.

Pick out shoes that MATCH! IN THE DARK! At 5:00AM! I was just feeling pretty good about the fact that I HAD shoes on! But I learned and now I check my shoes when I put them on and then again in the car before I leave. I still expect that one day I’m going to end up at work with one brown and one black heel on.

So the other day I bought two really cute summer dresses on sale at Old Navy and, of course, I wore one on Monday. I LOVE little cotton dresses for work because they are COMFY and easy. So I put on my cute bright orange dress, add a white shrug and some cute brown heels (that matched!) and off I went.

Got to work at 6:00AM. WORK! WORK! WORK!

At 1:30PM I go to the bathroom and turn around in front of the mirror to check out the dress and… OMG YOU CAN TOTALLY SEE THROUGH THIS DRESS IN THE BACK. JUST THE BACK.

See the front! Deceivingly opaque!

The front was not see through so how was I supposed to know!?

And now the back! This picture really doesn’t do it justice. The outline of my underthings was about twice as dark as you see here!

See through! Oops!

I kind of froze there in the bathroom. Mouth hanging open. Wondering how many of my coworkers had been given a HAPPY MONDAY greeting by my see through dress.

The rest of the day I carefully planned any trip away from my desk based on traffic at the time. I’d get up, walk QUICKLY to wherever I needed to go and QUICKLY back. Then waited 10 extra minutes to leave so that the rush would be gone already and held the door open for the three coworkers that left at the same time as me so that I could walk behind the pack.

It was the opposite of awesome. But on the way home I convinced myself that it was probably not nearly as bad as I thought it was. I was surely over reacting and being hyper-sensitive about it. I felt better when I got home.

Then Cassidy came home.

Me: So turns out, this dress, totally see through!
Cassidy: Let me see.
Me: *turns around*
Cassidy: HOLY! Why did you wear that!?
Me: Because I got dressed in the dark.
Cassidy: You really need to stop doing that. Or, you know, LOOK IN A MIRROR before you leave the house.

This morning I checked myself in three different mirrors. Six times. With the lights on.

Till next time.

So much I want to write and want to say and I’m sitting her on the couch frozen and numb. I can’t think, I can’t talk and honestly I’m fighting the urge to get in car, drive someplace dark and just cry till some of this heartache goes away.

Cryptic post is cryptic.

I know.

I just want everybody to know tonight to hug your kids. They are the ONLY thing that matter. Being a mom has been the most fully rewarding and painfully heartbreaking experience I’ve ever had. Right now my daughter needs me to fight for her. She doesn’t realize it, she probably won’t till one day, long from now, she’ll look back and she’ll see that what I’m doing right now, what I’m probably going to have to do in the months to come, is all for her. All to know that she will grow up to be the best person, best mother, best friend, best coworker, best daughter, best everything I know she can be.

So for at least a little while, all my extra time and energy needs to go into my family. My daughter, my husband, my life here. Now. Offline.

If I post anywhere, it will be here. But I’ve already let social media friends know I won’t be around.

I’m not saying I’m going away forever. I will be back. I just need some time to heal my family and to focus on getting through this… this thing.

<3 you all. Take care. Till next time.