I’m 3 days away from being out of 30 days Facebook jail for the 3rd time in less than a year. One of those times it was actually my fault. I mean, it was a valid comment, I called a racist “white trash”, but it was pretty clear that it was a guidelines violation. I guess it wasn’t “nice” but I don’t actually produce the appropriate amount of daily fucks to waste one on being nice to a racist.
I hate to admit it but I do miss the social word dump. It takes a good 2 weeks before I remember right away that I can’t just instantly share my thought vomit with several hundred other people as soon as it pops into my head. I get sad. I think that the people on my feed probably sigh a little in relief when they realize that perhaps they’ll get to go an entire month without hearing about the current state of the dogs poop or what crazy craft idea I’ve become very temporarily obsessed with.
I decided one night while chatting with a few friends that there were definitely things I NEEDED to share but knew I would never remember so I started to use the Notes App to document them.
Then today, 3 days before I get to tell Facebook all the things I’ve kept bottled up FOR TWENTY SEVEN DAYS, I remembered that I have A FUCKING BLOG and I can write ANYTHING I WANT ON IT.
LIKE RACISTS ARE WHITE TRASH.
OR THAT I WANT TO LOVING PUNCH MY FRIEND’S FACE.
So here we go. Things I need the world to know about but really just need to put into words somewhere to get them out of my head:
Thing 1: Diapers have WETNESS INDICATORS on them now.
When Cassidy was a baby in order to know if her diaper was wet I would smell it. I cannot count the number of times I buried my nose into the front of a diaper to see if I could smell her pee. And then the number of times I did not yet realize she had just also dropped a deuce and got a nose full of that instead. In my day, most mothers could identify which child in the room has peed in their pants by the smell because we had developed the nose of the most distinguished sommelier.
Oh that pee? *deep breath* That is the pee of a 1 year old who has just been introduced to nut butters fed to them on crispy tart apples. It has the chemical undertones of Kraft cheese squares and only Linda would feed her kid that trash so it must be little Lucy with the wet diaper.
In the next 5 years if a diaper doesn’t send mom and dad a text when the diaper is wet, please know it’s the Millennial’s fault.
Thing 2: Yellowstone has a Zone of Death where you can’t be prosecuted for killing somebody.
I am not even making this up. Because of a loophole in the US Constitution and boundary issues which have not been fixed since whenever the hell Wyoming became a state, there is a long narrow strip of the park where state and federal law don’t play well together and even if you were caught doing something illegal, the mess of jurisdiction almost guarantees* that you won’t get prosecuted.
I’ve listened to enough True Crime podcasts to know that there is at least a dozen or more bodies out there waiting to be discovered. It’s probably where Jimmy Hoffa is. I’m not saying this is part of my Perfect Murder Plan, I’m just saying if I ever act like I’m really excited to go to Yellowstone, it’s not for the geyser or the wildlife.
Okay, there are more things but I just had a sudden intense craving for strawberry shortcakes so I need to cut this short and get my bake on.
I would have shared this intense craving on Facebook.
*THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL GUARANTEE SO PLEASE BE SAFE AND HIDE THE EVIDENCE REALLY WELL.