Month: October 2008

Last Thursday we found out that Cassidy and her friend, Laura, had been going to a corner store in the morning and buying candy and other assorted junk food. I’m not sure if you all remember the time almost a year ago where she dissappeared for about 20 minutes and I almost had a nervous breakdown right as the cops found her? Well ever since then I’ve tried to balance her freedom with some simple rules. Mainly, you have to tell me where you’re going BEFORE you go. And here’s the thing, I told her had she ASKED me to go to the store in the morning, I’d have more than likely said to go ahead and go AS LONG AS she wasn’t late to school.

The main problem I had with her little escapade was that she has to walk in the OPPOSITE direction as school to get to the store and if for some reason something had happened, I’d never have even CONSIDERED telling anybody to look down that direction because WHY WOULD SHE BE THERE?!

Here, graphical representation:

I tweeted that she was “seriously grounded” and I meant it. Two weeks in the room and no electronics. Harsh, I know and by Sunday I was missing her like crazy and when Mali DM’d me on twitter and was all PUMPKIN PATCH! I told her WE ARE SO THERE! And I let Cassidy go with me. At the time, I didn’t think it was that big a deal but, believe me, it was discussed at length afterward and I know that I shouldn’t have done that. I’m the softy. I’m always the one that caves and lets her do stuff like go have fun while she’s supposed to be grounded. This is really one of the few things that Ben and I argue about. My being a push over which results in him having to stand up and be “the bad guy”. It’s not fair to him at all so after that I promised to try and be better about being more strict so he could focus on being less “sole bad guy” and more “funny fun dude who likes to have fun”.

Ben and I mutually agreed Wednesday that she could be on ‘probation’ for the remainder of her grounding but that if EVEN ONE TIME she lied or was dishonest that the grounding would pick up at that point and she’d have to finish out her last week of grounding. I even pointed out to her at one point that if that happened, her gounding would overlap Halloween and wouldn’t that TOTALLY SUCK?

Tonight would have been the final night of probation. TONIGHT.

TONIGHT! So when we had just gotten done taking pictures of her in her Princess Leia costume earlier this evening and I got a call from her teacher telling me that Cassidy was late to school today, and this was the SECOND time she’d been late, I thought that CERTAINLY SHE WASN’T AT THAT DAMN STORE.

I called her downstairs and asked her what time she got to school today.

Cassidy: *deer in headlights look* I was late because I got up late and left late.
Me: You called me at 7:32 to tell me you were leaving.
Cassidy: I didn’t tell you what time it was.
Me: My phone keeps track of the time you call me. You called me at 7:32 and Ms. Walker said you got to school at 8:16.
Cassidy: Oh.
Me: I am going to give you one chance to tell me the truth and it would be your best bet to be honest with me RIGHT NOW because I will send that costume back in a second of you aren’t.
Cassidy: Laura had money and she wanted to go to the store so we went and were late.

*motherfuckingsigh*

After more probing it wasn’t LAURA that had money, it was Cassidy and it wasn’t LAURA that wanted to go to the store, it was Cassidy. As a matter of fact, she had decided BEFORE she left the house and BEFORE she left me a message saying she was leaving that she had decided to go to the store.

So this time I know the punishment has to be severe. Grounded, no electronics for a week. That means no school carnival tomorrow, no trick-or-treating and no birthday party for Carrielee (BFF and aunt extraordinaire) on Sunday. The last being the one that seemed to effect her the most.

And it. Is. Killing. Me. I KNOW that this has to be done. I KNOW that if I don’t enforce this we’ll be back here in a month. I KNOW it has to be really hard on her to get the point across and it’s KILLING ME. I look so forward to Halloween and getting to take her out. We’ve never missed a single birthday of Carrielee’s. I feel like a horrible person for doing this to her and I KNOW I shouldn’t.

And at the core of it all: I don’t want her to grow up resenting me the way I resent my mother.

I’m taking these things away from her and I don’t want her to hate me for it but I know that, as a tween, hating me is just going to have to be a part of life for awhile. But I’m just so scared.

An aside to Ben because I want to say this publicly: Thank you SO MUCH for your love and support and for helping me to become a better parent. For talking me through things, for a gentle touch to let me know it’s going to be okay, for the space I need sometimes to work through these things in my head or hammer them out on a keyboard, and for the strength I know it takes to help me learn and grow in this daily roller coaster of parenthood. And most importantly, for being the best father any kid could ever have. I love you.

If found, please return at once. I’ll be easy to find because I’ll be here blogging every single day for the next 30 days (starting November 1st) since I’ve decided to participate in NaBloPoMo. I figured that since I’m kind of on the edge these days between partial sanity and a full blown case of The Crazy I’d just go ahead and take that final leap into the deep end.

EVERy SINGLE DAY, NOVEMBER!! ARE YOU READY?!

I assume by around day 4 I’ll be regretting making the commitment and my posts will have deteriorated into nonsensical rambling clearly made by a delusional nutcase.

So, you know, it’ll be pretty much normal around her but with more posts.

Are you guys and girls participating? If so, comment and let me know. On November 1st when the theme changes I want to have a section to highlight and link to other NaBloPoMo-ers.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love Halloween? The silly immature 10 year old in me still thinks it’s awesome that once a year I get to play dress up. HEEHEE

HALLOWEEN 2008: NON SKANKY KINDA EMO-ISH GOTHY WITCH GIRL I’m just kinda throwing this stuff together. The wig, some badass huge false lashes, some little spiders to put in my hair and probably a black shirt or dress and shoes.

HALLOWEEN 2006: SKANKY DEVIL It took three days to wash that crap out of my hair but but it was pretty badass. Also, I still love those tacky red lashes.

HALLOWEEN 2007: SKANKY WITCH! I think I’ll wear that hat again! LOVE IT.

Sarah Palin has officially come out and said that she supports and wants to “take action against” gay marriage stating that she’s FOR a constitutional ban on gay marriage.

You can watch her response to the question yourself here or read a follow up article here that includes the entire transcript of her answer. You’ll need the transcript since, once again, she has trouble using her big girl words and falls all over herself trying to get the point across.

And in case you have a lazy finger here is a repost of her answer:

“I am, in my own, state, I have voted along with the vast majority of Alaskans who had the opportunity to vote to amend our Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman. I wish on a federal level that that’s where we would go because I don’t support gay marriage,” Palin said.

“I’m not going to be out there judging individuals, sitting in a seat of judgment telling what they can and can’t do, should and should not do, but I certainly can express my own opinion here and take actions that I believe would be best for traditional marriage and that’s casting my votes and speaking up for traditional marriage that, that instrument that it’s the foundation of our society is that strong family and that’s based on that traditional definition of marriage, so I do support that.”

I guess I’ll start at the beginning as her first stumble happens when she states:

I’m not going to be out there judging individuals, sitting in a seat of judgment telling what they can and can’t do, should and should not do

Then, without even taking a breath follows it up with:

but I certainly can express my own opinion here and take actions that I believe would be best for traditional marriage and that’s casting my votes and speaking up for traditional marriage that

Okay? I’m left walking away wondering what the hell exactly it is she’s saying here. She’s not going to judge The Gays from her awesome Seat of Judgment™ (probably upholstered in moose hide with a fabulous wolf blanket draped elegantly across the back) but she is going to tell us her opinion (the one where she judges) and if give the chance would vote to rip The Rights Rug™ right out from under people who (in her judgment) don’t deserve the rights GIVEN TO US IN THE SAME DAMN CONSTITUTION SHE’S TRYING TO CHANGE.

The rest of it is just… well, this… errr, that:

that, that instrument that it’s the foundation of our society is that strong family and that’s based on that traditional definition of marriage, so I do support that.

Since it’s one big word vomit sentence that should have been summed up in about five words I can only assume that she had previously entered into some kind of contest where you win a big prize, perhaps that Seat of Judgment™, by saying “that” the most times in one sentence.

Seriously now.

Hopefully all of those elusive and much talked about “undecideds” out there are seeing these things and are paying attention. I wish more people were willing to set their feelings of sex aside and see people for, well, exactly that; people. To me this entire subject should be a non-issue because there should be no distinction made between the sexes and love. People love people. There is so much time and effort put into making gay marriage such a negative thing while all around there are heterosexual marriages falling apart. Do you see gay people pointing out how many marriages FAIL? Because chances are, half of you reading this either have had or will have a failed marriage. So if you are one of those 50% then I ask, who the hell are you to judge what SHOULD and SHOULD NOT constitute what a marriage SHOULD be?

Do you think that Sarah Palin has sat down and NOT JUDGED her sister for having a failed marriage? Does Sarah Palin think that her sister has made a mockery of marriage as a whole? Does Sarah Palin think that her sister is going to hell for not serving her husband the way her coveted Bible told her to? I highly doubt it.

I’ve told Ben this before and I honestly believe that in 100 years people are going to look back on this issue and wonder what the hell we were thinking. The same way we look back now and find it hard to believe that at one point women weren’t allowed to vote and that white people owned black people. This issue, people not being allowed to get married, is the same kind of fundamental right that both women and african americans have been afforded and gay people deserve no less.

I get REALLY HOOKED on a show, usually after it’s already either 1) well into the the season, or a 2nd or 3rd, etc., or 2) it’s already off the air. So what I do is find a way to watch them online. For a long time this meant having to download them using not so very legal means. Just about a month ago I deleted all six seasons of Sex and The City of my desktop’s hard drive. Right after the end of the last season I suddenly realized it was THE BEST SHOW EVER and then downloaded all six seasons and watched them in order and cried like a baby at the end. I still haven’t gone to see the movie because I’m worried about the emotional damage it might do.

And I don’t know if you remember that time that both Ben and I got somewhat COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY OBSESSED with 24 after it had been on the air for three seasons already? And we watched three seasons in a few weeks by watching it every single night and I actually blogged about possibly needing methadone and counseling when it was over.

Then last February we decided we should check out this LOST show that everybody keeps yammering about and: INSTANTLY HOOKED. We watched the first two seasons on DVD from Netflix when Season three had already started so we DVR’d the third season then watched them when we were done with one and two. Then we died from embarrassment and shame.

Then, dear internet, then about two weeks ago I finally took the time to take a look at Hulu and it was like I hit the mother load. Bones, Fringe, Nip/Tuck… all shows I never really took the time to watch before and now I’ve caught up on all of them… while at work. heh

But the best, BEST, OMGBEST!!!! They have all 14 original episodes of Firefly in the correct order. *swoon* I had never really gotten the chance to watch the show properly and after seeing Serenity (LOVE that movie and it still gets the most play on my iPhone) then watching some of the shows out of order, it was really confusing. But not anymore! I watched all 14 episodes in TWO DAYS, then started watching them AGAIN today because: HEART

I can’t believe this show was taken off the air. Given the massive fan base of the TV show, then the movie, it’s just a SHAME. After I finished the season I did more reading about it and Joss Whedon originally planned for it to be a seven year series and my poor broken heart aches to know what WOULD have happened. How long would it have taken them to realize River’s full potential? When were Mal and Inara FINALLY going to stop being stubborn and just DO IT ALREADY? What was the real deal with Shepherd Book and why DOES he know so much about crime and it’s major players? These are questions that I’ll never get answered! NEVER! How am I supposed to go on with no resolution!? No ENDING!? No Mal and Inara DOING IT?!

Anyway, in case you’re, like, into that kinda stuff, you can follow all my obsessing via my hulu feed. But I warn you, if you intend to be the least bit productive, DO NOT CHECK IT OUT AT WORK.

“The Post” is live. If for some reason you’re logged in and you can’t see the post below this one titled “3298 words that lead to nowhere…”, shoot me an email and let me know.

Warning! This post is kind of ALL OVER THE PLACE and reading through it just now it seems as if I have the grammatical efficiency of a common fly. I apologize in advance for not feeling like taking the time to properly proofread and fix things.

You know how when you were 13 you’d stomp into your room and slam the door and swear that you’d NEVER GROW UP TO BE LIKE HER? God I can’t tell you the number of times that I did that. Weekly? Daily? I don’t know, it was a lot. Most of the rebellious things I did growing up I did to piss my mom off. Sneaking out, bringing home dumb loser boys, ditching class, all of it I did because I wanted her to react. It’s a small miracle that I didn’t end up a meth head or an alcoholic. Going to a private Catholic school full of the richest, most skanky and stuck up kids in the county meant that on a weekly basis I’d party around the best blow in the COUNTRY (YAY FOr GROWING UP IN THE METH COOKING CAPITAL OF THE USA) lined up on tables with shots of anything hard to chase it. I can count the number of times I got drunk in highschool on one hand and never touched anything harder than pot. As bad as I wanted to piss her off, there were always those lines I wouldn’t cross but believe me, there’s PLENTY you can do to piss off your parents without doing any actual harm to yourself. heh

My mom was REALLY controlling. That’s such a complete understatement. My mom IS CONTROL. Staying out 10 minutes past curfew mght as well have been 10 hours. There was no balance. Either she was happy or pissed and it was normally the latter. When I finished high school, turned 18, started pulling away even harder, it really started to get bad. She INSISTED I live at home and go to school but wasn’t allowed to work. However, if I asked her for gas money to get to school, I was a lazy fucking moocher that only wanted to be around her to ask for things. I was in a no win situation. “Stay home and go to school” really meant “Stay home, have no social life, do what I tell you to do, help raise Cameron and go to school. PERIOD.” The fight the lead up to me moving out started because I got a part time job helping out Troy’s mom do her bookkeeping a few hours a week. Seriously. I made $50 in two weeks and brought it home and she FREAKED THE HELL OUT because I was out there “pissing off my life” because I had gotten a very small part time job earning less than minimum wage cash “behind her back”.

When I found out that I was pregnant I went to her office to tell her. I’d know for a few days and I was past the HOLY SHIT I’M PREGNANT WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO stage. I’d weighed out the options, I’d considered abortion, I’d REALLY struggled with a decision and then one morning I woke up and just KNEW I was going to have the baby. I decided to drive down to tell my mom who’s initial reaction was “Well, have you considered abortion?” Not, “What are you going to do?” “Are you okay?” Hell, I’d have been okay with her yelling at me at first for being irresponsible, but instead she took the reins and practically had the phone in her had to dial the abortion clinic. Then the entire time I was pregnant she’d pull the typical moves. She’d act all happy and WOW THIS IS GREAT when other people were around but when it was just the two of us it would be guilt and “You are making a big mistake” “It’s not too late” “There are options” “You are ruining your life” etc.

It killed me. And it continued for years. And no matter what I did it was always that way. I went back to a junior college when I was pregnant which she thought was great and was so encouraging when people were around but when it was just she and I together it was “about time I started to think straight and stop screwing around”.

And here’s the kicker…

I’ve spent a good part of my life feeling guilty for letting her down and being a complete disappointment. And for most of my life I’ve made excuses for the way she is. And for most of my life I’ve secretly prayed to a God I don’t even believe in that please, please don’t let me grow up to be like her. PLEASE.

And. I’m really good at building walls. They’re kinda my thing. In the case of my mom it was walls that allow me to ignore things like COMPLETE NEGATIVITY. Brick and mortar surrounded by steal covered in aluminum and painted pink for good measure. The problem is that even the strongest walls are prone to damage and, eventually, complete and utter failure.

My mom decided to move up to the Bay Area about six months after I did and at the time I wasn’t in the most mentally stable state. Again, complete understatement. I knew I needed to put my foot down but I just didn’t have it in me to confront her about it. I just couldn’t. I’d rather have dove head first into an outhouse than tell my mom she needed to not move up here thinking it was okay to be in control.

So Ben told her. Rather forcefully, actually. He shouldn’t have had to do it but he did because he is amazing and I was weak and fragile and a complete pussy and riddled with guilt for having to possibly disappoint her YET AGAIN.

The problem was because I didn’t say it somehow that translated to her as “I have to be on good behavior when Ben is around, but when it’s just the two of us all bets are off.” I could go on and on and give example after example. I still felt like no matter what I did it wasn’t good enough. Oh good, you have a job at Stanford, when are you going to start trying to move up positions? When are you going to go back to school? You could stand to lose a few pounds. When if Ben leaves you tomorrow, how will you support yourself? Why do you always waste your money on stupid stuff? I don’t like ANY RESTAURANT YOU TAKE ME TO EVER.

On and on and on and on and on. And on.

AND ON.

This all finally came to a head when my grandmother came to visit a month ago. Whenever she comes, my mom turns into this obsessive, overbearing, super controlling, fake as hell person. It’s absolutely unbearable. This time it happened to coenside with my birthday so we planned on my grandma, grandpa and Aunt Suzanne to come up on the day or my birthday so we could have dinner FOR MY BIRTHDAY. My mom asked where I wanted to go and I told her to the Irish Pub near our place that has AWESOME chicken pot pie that I LOVE. We haven’t been to many places and she specifically told me NOT to choose a Mexican place because “Grandma won’t want to eat Mexican.” Okay, that’s not that big a deal, if she doesn’t like Mexican I can understand that.

So the weekend before my birthday and before they arrived my mom calls and says that she want’s to “try out the pub”.

Me: Are you actually trying to VET the restaurant?
Her: What?
MeL You want to eat there to make sure it’s OKAY for grandma.
Her: No! I just want to TRY the restaurant, it sounds good.
Me: MmmHmm.

So whatever, she came up to eat, ordered fish and chips (probably the MOST BLAND food you can order on ANY menu) and it was immediately clear to me that the pub wasn’t “up to par”. So when we were done eating:

Me: So?
Her: What?
Me: Is it good enough for grandma?
Her: It’s fine!
Me: You don’t like it.
Her: It’s okay.
Me: But…
Her: I just don’t think it’s their kind of food.
Cameron: WHAT!? David will LOVE THIS. (He;d had the chicken cordon blue which is AWESOME)
Her: No, they don’t eat this kind of food.
Cameron: YES THEY DO!
Ben: Well, it’s Anna’s birthday and she gets to choose where she wants to eat and she wants to eat here so that’s the end of that.

Ben was pretty firm when he said this and my mom knew enough from his tone to just drop it but it was VERY clear to me that 1) she hated the restaurant, 2) there was no way she was going to be ‘okay’ with my grandma eating there and 3) she was going to complain about it and try and RUN MY BIRTHDAY.

I can imaging that this ONE thing shouldn’t have bugged me as much as it did but this combined with years and years and years of this crap had done a lot of damage to that big wall I’d built up and in the six months before this we’d gotten married, bought the house, had just moved in the month before and my nerves were pretty shot and I just didn’t have the extra patience to deal with it.

I ended up asking my brother what she REALLY thought about the restaurant because I knew that she’d lie to me but tell him the truth and sure enough, she was pretty much APPALLED by the idea of taking my grandma there. And that was the point I just started to fall apart.

I called my mom the night before and told her I was tired and wasn’t feeling well (which was semi true, I’ve been having some bad sinus problems lately) and since it was a work night, I didn’t feel like entertaining them and lets just do it on the following Sunday instead. Also, since they weren’t coming for my birthday, she could pick whatever restaurant she wanted to eat at.

Gmail chat with him. He’s talking about my mom telling my grandma that the restaurant sucked:

me: ahhaah Why?
Cameron: oohh its anna bday tomorrow and she wants to eat at some irish pub and its good but its nothing to right home about
then me
well i like it and its her bday
then mom
well yea but it was just not that great
while talking to gma and i said to gma that mom was a food nazi and it would be good
=P
me: Yeah, she could tell by the ONE dish she tried.
Gah.

When they FINALLY showed up on Sunday Ben was “busy” working on garage stuff and my mom out out of the car with tons and tons of birthday bags in tow. So okay, I guess this IS for my birthday, whatever, I’m just going to try and get through this without my head completely exploding. We went to the garden center (everybody but Ben) for an hour or so and putzed around and my grandma LOVED IT. RAVED about it. Couldn’t stop talking about how great it was. They had originally decided to not eat while they were up here because my mom had taken them to a late breakfast.

HOW CONVENIENT.

Well, when we got back Ben had showered and was relaxing, we sat around and talked for awhile and my GRANDMA mentioned the SHE THOUGHT we should go eat WHEREVER I WANTED FOR MY BIRTHDAY. Well, I had mentioned a Mexican place that had gotten pretty good reviews on a website while we were bouncing around places to go but when it came down to it, my MOM HAD SAID THEY DIDN’T WANT MEXICAN originally so I got up and said ‘Well, lets go to the pub then.’

My mom waited a few seconds for everybody to be up and talking and not paying attention and looked at me and in the most fucking snotty voice said, “No, I want Mexican, lets go to Mexican.”‘

Ben heard her though and Ben didn’t go. He made an excuse about his back hurting and needing th lay down. Honestly, it’s probably a REALLY GOOD THING he showed as much restraint in that moment has he did.

That was it. I was done. I literally had a vision of me slapping her directly across the face and telling her to get the fuck out of my house. Instead, I just said ‘fine. lets go’. On the way there I asked Cameron what else had been said about where we were eating and there were things like:

“Well, the food isn’t going to be that great but at least there will be good company.”
“Don’t mind her house, it’s a mess” (HELLO! WE JUST MOVED! I THINK THEY GET THAT! Plus, my grandma LOVED the house, raved about it).

And I was just LIVID. It took every bit of restraint I had at the restaurant to ‘deal with her’. She kept pointing out how polite and well behaved Cassidy was and it became clear to me that it was a “Look, my daughter didn’t turn out that great, but at least my grandaughter makes up for it” She intentionally kept trying to “talk me up”. Making my job seem more thrilling that it is “even if she won’t try and advance further there”, explaining how things at the house were going to get better “even though it didn’t look that great now”, how GREAT Ben really is “even though he’s quiet”, it just made me feel WORSE because it felt like my life was such crap, she had to sugar coat it to make it seem better than it really was.

It just… gah.

ONCE AGAIN, my mom said the restaurant was good and I KNEW that I’d hear later how it WASN’T and by the time she left I wanted to curl up in a ball and just DIE because ONCE AGAIN I let my mom make me feel like a complete failure and I’m STILL not good enough for her.

I should add, my grandma was NOTHING but nice. SO polite and interested in the REAL me, what my work is REALLY like, how the house is a LOT or work but I LOVE that, etc. My mom just couldn’t stop butting in with her little bullshit quips.

Then the kicker was this conversation that I had woth my brother.

7:01 PM she asked if i new why ben didnt eat with us … and i asked her why and she said… well grandma thouhgt he didnt like her and then …. i said no not at all …… and then mom said o is it cause i didnt want to eat at the pub.. and i said sort of but that she should talk to ben so he could explain and mom is like… he can go to his grave keeping that from me i dont care… and i jsut walk away so yea wierd
7:03 PM me: Go to his grave keeping it from her?
7:04 PM I don’t get it
She shouldn’t assume crap. It’s not because she didn’t want to go to the pub. She should realize that and if she’s to thick headed to ask than she doesn’t deserve an answer
7:05 PM Cameron: prety much thats why i jsut walked out cause i knew at that point she was just blowing hot air
me: What did she mean by that though?
7:10 PM ???
Cameron: because it alll stared when after eating the mexican leftovers that were NOT that great mom admited that it wasnt the place she thought it would be and i said Karma. So she is like huh and I said oh that for not wanting to at least try to eat ( at first ) with you guys…. so then she asked a min after that is that why ben didnt blah blah.. an i said waht i said ( above ( but also to talk to ben but she said that he made a point in a childish way ( wich mom hates i guess ) and so in conclusion she said na its ok ben can go to his grave not telling me why he didnt go with us
7:11 PM yeps
7:13 PM me: Ben wasn ‘t the childish one! She was the one that was throwing a fucking hissy fit over WHERE WE ATE FOR *MY BIRTHDAY*. Even GRANDMA said “Let eat where Anna wants to eat.”
7:14 PM Cameron: which is why i told u
cause i thought that was irresponible of her
me: Her entire attitude lately has been bullshit. Treating me like my feelings on MY BIRTHDAY in MY HOUSE in MY TOWN are secondary to grandma’s is bullshit. THAT”S why Ben was mad.
7:15 PM Because 1) she negative ALL THE TIME and 2) because she was dictating how MY BIRTHDAY went.
7:16 PM He wanted to go to dinner so when we got up and said “lets go to the pub” and mom looked at me and said with attitude “No, I want to go to Mexican” he decided not to go.
Cameron: hmm
i see
well sorry for making your night a bit crappy but i jsut had to share that
me: Because it was the last straw for him. He was sick of her acting like a stuck up, negative, have it all her way or no way, bitch.
7:17 PM Cameron: well again sorry if i spioled your night
but that was just well rude
7:18 PM me: You didn’t. But seriously, she’s about to get a rude awakening. I’m not a fucking child anymore. I’m done letting her treat me like she can push me around like a 10 year old.
What was rude?
Cameron: o what she said
me: yeah
7:19 PM Cameron: for the first tiem it REALLY hit me
me: NO RESTAURANT will ever be goon enough for her
Cameron: i knew she was meh meh but that was like wow
me: I will never be good for her.
Cameron: she is fing hard to please
7:23 PM me: Well, I’m done trying to please her.

So yeah, that’t it. My wall is officially a used up pile of worthless rubble laying all around me. I can’t do it anymore. I just don’t have it in me.

She called once about a week later and I didn’t answer so she left a message like NOTHING WAS WRONG and I haven’t called her back… and she hasn’t attempted to call me again. It’s been a month now. Normally we talk at least once or twice a week.

I’m stressed about all this. I’m depressed, I’m letting it effect me, it’s bothering me, I think about it all the time, I lay in bed at night and dwell on it, I miss parts of conversations because I’m thinking about it and the most stupid part is that I feel like I’ve let her down AGAIN. I know I need to confront her but the thought of having to do that and having her tell me how wrong I am is just not something, mentally, I think I can take. I’m not strong enough to be the ball she kicks around anymore. I have my own family with my own problems to deal with and I need to focus on US right now but how do I do that with all this bullshit playing around up here in my head taking up all this space?

I seriously, honestly don’t know what to do…

OKAY! There’s a link over there to the right at the top of the right sidebar to register and a little blurb about why registering is, like, totally the cool thing to do. Like, all the kids are doin’ it ya know.

“The post” will be up tomorrow. I’ve been working on it. Working on it while I was supposed to be working, actually! I just, in some cases like this, need some time to let things stew, let them simmer down a bit and properly blend so I can go back and backspace where needed. Mainly the sentences where 15.5 out of 17 words are some variation of the word FUCK. Because, I dunno, I think that sometimes my original point gets a little lost when that happens.

Thanks to all of you who have, or will in the future, registered. I know that the last thing most people want is ANOTHER FREAKING PLACE TO ENTER A PASSWORD but I really appreciate the effort. 🙂

I’ve been working on the site quite a bit in the last few weeks. Things you probably don’t see or notice because a lot of it is back end stuff or else updates to pages that are LONG overdue. And actually, one of these days I might get that ‘about’ page done. Maybe. I’ve missed getting my hands dirty (SEE: breaking and then having to fix a lot of shit) in code so it’s been kind of therapeutic.

Going along with that theme, getting my hands dirty again, I’ve picked up my camera and been able to look through the lens and really FEEL like taking shots. And Photoshop! Oh how I’ve loved and missed manipulating images and making them much prettier than they really were ever meant to be.

Also, I like pie.

I think that’s it for now…

Yep.

I’m sorry for not posting more than I have. I have things on my mind that I don’t really want to talk about openly, out here, for everybody to see. So I’ve added a plugin to the site that allows me to set posts as viewable to registered members only. I also set up a nice registration page to stop the billions of spam bots that were registering and allowing me to have to verify all registration before they have access. I hate to have to be restrictive but, better safe then sorry…

Anyway!

Cassidy turned 10 yesterday. I still can’t believe that my little baby girl is TEN YEARS OLD. She had made plans to go to her dad’s house for the weekend, was counting down the days, then two days before the big day he called and said that his mother had died and he was too sad to have the party. She was pretty crushed (because of not getting to go down there, not because of the death which she actually hasn’t really responded to at all but that’s a whole other blog for a whole other time) and it left me with only two days to hustle some kind of celebration together. I had planned on doing all the shopping and party prep this weekend while she was gone. We ended up having her bff over for a Saturday night sleep over and went to see The Beverly Hills Chihuahua, decorated cake, had chocolate chip pancakes and all that good slumber party stuff.

Favorite presents? Pink iPod Nano, the wrist warmers from one of the outfits that her Nana and Papa gave her and the knock off American Girls doll that I found at Target for 1/10th the price of the actual American Girls dolls but can still wear all the AG stuff. YAY!

I’m really sorry my writing isn’t the LOLerific, punny, awesomesauce that it normally is. Sometimes I feel like I have this standard to live up to… people tell me they love to read the blog because of the writing but I’ve just not been in my groove lately. I really think that once I can get the ‘other stuff’ worked out, written down, out of my emotional pipelines I’ll be able to get back to my normal dorky self around here.