MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Oh wait, that was, like, a week ago. Lets start over.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I really hope that everybody had a FANTASTIC Christmas. Our was awesome. Five days of sitting on our asses being as lazy as humanly possible. One morning I ate chocolate ice cream for breakfast AND dinner. Not having a child around you have to set an example for is SO TOTALLY AWESOME.

We are having a few friends over but I wanted to take a few seconds to get a blog post out there before 2008 comes to an end forever. I’ve spent some time today in google reader reading all your wonderful 2008 recaps. Some are doing memes and some are listing important things that happened month by month but I kinda hate memes passionately and I’m blond so you can’t reasonably expect me to remember what I did last January. For serious.

So I’ll just leave you by saying that 2008 was one of the most awesome so far. I got married to my soul mate and we bought a house. Two things I’ve been dreaming about for years and years. And two things that totally made me not feel bad at all about not being able to buy Christmas gifts for each other because we are BROKE. Every day at least once I look down at my ring finger and get that little rush of adrenaline knowing that he’s MINE. FOREVER. And every day we come home from a long day at work and an even longer commute home and we pull up to our house and I think, “We are home. This is OUR HOUSE! We have a house!”

Everybody be safe tonight. Surround yourself with good friends and the ones you love the most and make sure you get a kiss at midnight. I’ll raise my glass of champagne to all my online friends. I love you all. Happy New Year!

At dinner tonight Cassidy asked about the relationship between cat and human years. I didn’t really know but I assumed that the general 7 years used for dog life would be close so Cassidy determined that KC was 70 years old. Her jaw dropped and she exclaimed that, “OMG KC IS REALLY OLD!” So I told her, “YEAH! Remember that next time you feel like chasing her around the house like a lunatic!” Then I told her that we’re really lucky that KC is still alive and with us because 10 is actually getting up there for a cat.

The conversation eventually turned to death and how it would feel to not have her around anymore which turned to:

Cassidy: I’d probably cry.
Me: I’d probably lose it, like, mentally. Seriously.
Ben: So it would be like… a Tuesday.
Me: I hate you.
Ben: *grin*
Me: And I’m totally blogging that later.

The ability to laugh at Ben making fun of my mental state is the best part of having a “normal” mental state.

And for the record, after doing some research I realized that KC is actually only 56 years old. Assuming she doesn’t get any fatter, or lazier, or bitchier, I think she still has a few good years in her.

OKAY!

My dad has pointed out three times now, once in a comment and once in a voicemail and then again later on the phone, that I haven’t been updating ‘that blog of mine’ for a long time so HERE I AM! YAY! You can send thanks to my dad. He likes steak, sailing the high sea and having his finger pulled.

That last post was written at the tail end of a really bad downward mental swing. Sometimes I get tired of the “numb” feeling I get while on Lexapro. It’s hard to explain what I mean other than I don’t feel like I’m FEELING things as strongly as I should. It’s good not to be upset at small things and to be able to rationally think through decisions beforehand but there are times when I feel like I should be… experiencing more feeling than I am about something. So I rationalize with myself that stopping the Lexapro will somehow help.

And I’m always wrong.

Stopping the medicine NEVER helps. For the first week I’m great. Steady and calm. Then I get this manic time. Time when I’m still feeling UP but then I can REALLY feel the up. I get this ridiculous burst of energy and spend hours organizing my makeup by brand and color. Then the cans in the pantry by type of food and alphabetically. Then clean, fold, hang up, reorganize, and color order every single article of clothing I own.

This manic time, unfortunately, is always followed by a swing in the other direction. Usually it brings me back to my “normally depressed” self but this time was it… bad. It lead to me being at work and spending the entire 8.5 hours about 20 seconds away from a complete panic attack. Heart racing, palms sweating, nauseated, dizzy, OMG WTF IS WRONG WITH ME I’M SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO LOSE IT panic attack.

I realized how bad it was when on the way home Ban asked me if I was okay and I said I was fine and he responded, “Are you sure? You don’t look okay. You look like you’re… not there. Your eyes are glassy like you are drugged or something.” And then that brought the panic attack within 5 seconds of happening because OMG MY HUSBAND THINKS I’M ON DRUGS! SHIT!

That evening after I’d had the chance to lay down for a bit and calm my mind and stop the racing of the thoughts that never end and keep on going, he asked me again if I was okay and I told him, “Yes, but I need you to do something for me. I need you to make sure I’m taking my medicine every day. Like, don’t ask me if I’ve taken it, but actually watch me put the pill in my mouth and swallow it.” And then everything just kinda poured out of my mouth and Ben was his always supportive, but stern, self. He is understanding of my depression but he is able to give me just enough kick in the ass to STOP DOING THAT SHIT. I can’t even describe to you how much I hate having to ask him to do that, to check up on me like a little kid, but I’m smart enough and experienced enough with how my depression works to know that I can’t trust myself to remember how this felt in six months and stop taking it again.

When I said in the last blog that a look from Ben cold cause me to “fall to the floor and cry for three hours straight”, that’s what I meant. Because any little emotion I felt SO STRONGLY it practically dropped me to my knees. I even suffered from a bit of agoraphobia because I would get so over stimulated at the grocery store or restaurant that I literally clung to Ben to keep from falling over.

So anyway, that’s why I kinda disappeared about a month ago. For a few weeks I wasn’t posting on forums, hardly twittering, not really blogging, etc. But I’m medicated now! And as clinically sane as I can ever be! And that’s where I was. Well, for the last two or so weeks I’ve just been too lazy to post but still.

So, HOW HAVE ALL OF YOU BEEN!?

Ben informed me tonight of his dislike for the word ’swoon’. When I asked him to explain he said it’s because other than the fact that the word just sucks, I am not a “swooner”, I don’t swoon.

What?! I SWOON! I think I’m just different than most girls and I don’t like to ANNOUNCE the fact that I’ve just turned into a bucket of emotional goo because I’ve taken great care for a long time not to let people see me weak or emotional. I’ve never wanted to be one of “those” girls.

Example:
The other night when I was right in the middle of reading New Moon Ben wanted to go to dinner. I would have gladly skipped dinner to sit and read and pine and hope that Edward would FINALLY make his way back to Bella so I could stop wanting to hate her for leading Jacob on and, SERIOUSLY, FOOD!? I was being difficult, no doubt. I wanted Mexican, he wanted the Irish Pub and finally I agreed and said FINE, LETS JUST GO THE DAMN PUB SO I CAN GET HOME AND CONTINUE BEING AN EMO VAMPIRE WORSHIPER. He asked me if I was sure the pub was okay and I yelled back calmly answered I’LL GO WHEREVER YOU WANT!

When we turned into the parking lot where the Mexican place was I asked him, “What are you doing?” And he just responded, “Going where I want to eat.”

*swoon*

He really didn’t want to go eat there but he did. And the only reason he did it was to make me happy. The car was dark and I looked the other way when the blood hit my cheeks, but trust me, it happened.

Another Example:
This is the conversation that happened tonight. To say I’ve had a few rough days would be a drastic understatement and I can’t tell you how supportive and wonderful Ben has been to me. I’ll explain all this later when I’m not feeling so ‘raw’ but he’s kept my head just above the water and I’ve never loved him more than I do right now.

And I might have taken a bit of advantage of his unwavering support when I asked him this question…

Me: So, will you go see Twilight with me this weekend?
Ben: Sure!
Me: *blink* *blink* What?
Ben: Yes.
Me: …seriously?!
Ben: Yeah.
Me: *stunned*
(a bit more unrelated conversation about Bon-Bons)
Me: So you’ll really go see it with me?
Ben: Yeah, I think could be good, I watched the trailer*.
Me: Did you swoon?
Ben: NO. And I hate that word, every time I hear it I want to throw up.

*I don’t actually believe that he thinks it’s “good”. Or even “not bad” which I think might have been the words he actually used. Either way, Twilight is NOT the kind of movie that he would choose to go to. As a matter of fact, I know, without a doubt, that Ben’s really wanting to see Quantum of Solace.

Ben, you’re choosing to partake in my idiotic 13 year old vampire on mortal love obsession because… I don’t know, I really need you right now? You love me? You know that it just means a lot to me to make a ’sacrifice’? Because you are scared to let me loose on the general public right now? For whatever reason, I know that it’s not because you are excited to see this movie IN THE LEAST.

And I swooned.

I just turned around and stirred the food on the stove so my back would be to you when I blushed. As much as I love it when you tease me when that happens, when you see my cheeks turn red and you smile and point out to me that it’s not just cold green acid flowing through my veins, I was scared that the sudden adrenaline flow that usually follows would probably be crippling enough for me to fall to the floor and cry for three hours straight.

I do swoon and to prove it to you I’m going to make it a point to be more like those silly girls and when I swoon I’ll find a way to gracefully flaunt it in your face.

I love you.

I know I said it would be the end of the political blog posts for awhile but I think this is somebody every single person in the country should have to watch. If you support gay marriage, if you aren’t sure how you feel about it, and especially if you don’t, you need to watch this.

I know that I’ve completely failed the whole NaBloPoMo thing and I will touch on it in another post soon. Until then, watch the video, email it to a friend, post it on your own blog, spread the word because it’s important.