So we sold Ben’s Mazdaspeed 3 this Tuesday. Good lord there is a whole story there in itself that I might get into someday but for now I’ll just say that we decided to sell the Mazdaspeed to get Ben a more fuel efficient car now that we have the M3 for a “play” car and it decided that it was not happy about it and tried to commit car suicide. It was a lot of stress and conversations and more stress and as much as that car was a good car that served us well, I was not all that sad to see it go.
Maybe what played out at the bank the next day was karma for not feeling sad.
When we were getting into bed Tuesday night I posted this to Facebook and my best friend and others tried to PEER PRESSURE me into playing with all the money.
I didn’t give in. Mostly because the money was all the way downstairs and I was upstairs and it would have required me to but clothes back on and move my body. Ben and I had talked about who was going to deposit the money and it sounded like he was going to do it the next day so I was surprised when I got home on Wednesday and the money was sitting on the table still. I messaged Ben to see if he wanted me to deposit it and he must have been busy because I texted him twice, called twice and left one voice mail and was getting no response.
So I got bored.
And then I could not help myself. So this happened:
While I was taking all these pictures I was starting to feel a little anxious. It was 115 hundred dollar bills and when I laid them over Danica’s paws I started to imagine her seeing a squirrel out the sliding glass door and jumping up, money going everywhere, her ripping through 10 of the hundreds with every step and then flash forwarded to trying to explain to Ben how now we only had half the money to deposit.
So I very carefully counted out the money TWICE, put it back in the envelope and left it on the table exactly where I had found it. It wasn’t till 5:40PM that he texted to ask me to deposit it. I jumped up and was trying to get out the door quickly because I knew the bank was going to close in 20 minutes. I was trying to wrangle the dogs, get my sunglasses out of their case and was holding onto the envelope… and dropped it.
It was like a perfectly choreographed slow motion movie scene. The money went sliding out of the envelope three feet like a deck of cards. Then the dogs ran back and forth across it spreading it out while I stood there frozen and unable to breathe and internally screaming profanities at myself for not ever living up to my name (PS: Anna means “Graceful”).
I picked it all up and ran out the door. In retrospect, the smart thing to do then would have been to recount the money. But I was just trying to get to the bank before it closed and my brain was still in some shock at seeing all that money flying around under the dog’s feet.
Wells Fargo has these annoying people that stand at the front of the bank line and ask what you are needing to do that day. I told him that I had a cash deposit and he tried to guide me to the ATM. I was keenly aware of the envelope in my purse with $11,500.00 in it and tried to quietly tell him that I had a large cash deposit. So he asked me HOW MUCH. SERIOUSLY!? My answer was “A large sum. Like, selling a car large sum.”
I kept trying to get him to understand that I was trying to NOT broadcast to the entire goddamn grocery store that I was carrying a large amount of cash but he was just NOT. GETTING. IT.
Thankfully, the teller finally called me up and I started the deposit process. He carefully counted out the money… $11,300.00. Um, no. I explained I had counted the money twice before I left and there was $11,500.00 so he counted it again. And then one more time. And then I requested that another teller count it. Then I insisted they “use one of those money counters like in the movies” and they all got the same amount: $11,300.00.
And I pretty much had a nervous breakdown in the store. I had completely blanked on dropping the money on the way out the door and was trying SO HARD to figure out how I was going to explain to Ben that I had lost $200 because I was PLAYING WITH THE MONEY and posting the pictures to social media because I GAVE INTO PEER PRESSURE!
I told them to just deposit the $11,300 (again, if I had been thinking clearly I’d have just asked for the money back until I could find it all) and started praying to Gods I don’t even believe it to PLEASE LET THE MONEY BE AT HOME WERE I CAN FIND IT OMG!
It was about half way home that I suddenly remembered dropping the envelope on the way out the door and started to calm down a bit thinking that I had probably just missed the two bills somehow.
I threw open the garage door, looked into the bathroom and:
There are several morals to this story.
1) MY NAME IS A LIE.
2) Never trust a blonde with a lot of cash and a camera phone.
3) Karma is a thing that exists and sometimes it sucks.
4) Peer pressure will bite you in the ass. HARD. WITH SHARP TEETH.