My dad has pointed out three times now, once in a comment and once in a voicemail and then again later on the phone, that I haven’t been updating ‘that blog of mine’ for a long time so HERE I AM! YAY! You can send thanks to my dad. He likes steak, sailing the high sea and having his finger pulled.
That last post was written at the tail end of a really bad downward mental swing. Sometimes I get tired of the “numb” feeling I get while on Lexapro. It’s hard to explain what I mean other than I don’t feel like I’m FEELING things as strongly as I should. It’s good not to be upset at small things and to be able to rationally think through decisions beforehand but there are times when I feel like I should be… experiencing more feeling than I am about something. So I rationalize with myself that stopping the Lexapro will somehow help.
And I’m always wrong.
Stopping the medicine NEVER helps. For the first week I’m great. Steady and calm. Then I get this manic time. Time when I’m still feeling UP but then I can REALLY feel the up. I get this ridiculous burst of energy and spend hours organizing my makeup by brand and color. Then the cans in the pantry by type of food and alphabetically. Then clean, fold, hang up, reorganize, and color order every single article of clothing I own.
This manic time, unfortunately, is always followed by a swing in the other direction. Usually it brings me back to my “normally depressed” self but this time was it… bad. It lead to me being at work and spending the entire 8.5 hours about 20 seconds away from a complete panic attack. Heart racing, palms sweating, nauseated, dizzy, OMG WTF IS WRONG WITH ME I’M SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO LOSE IT panic attack.
I realized how bad it was when on the way home Ban asked me if I was okay and I said I was fine and he responded, “Are you sure? You don’t look okay. You look like you’re… not there. Your eyes are glassy like you are drugged or something.” And then that brought the panic attack within 5 seconds of happening because OMG MY HUSBAND THINKS I’M ON DRUGS! SHIT!
That evening after I’d had the chance to lay down for a bit and calm my mind and stop the racing of the thoughts that never end and keep on going, he asked me again if I was okay and I told him, “Yes, but I need you to do something for me. I need you to make sure I’m taking my medicine every day. Like, don’t ask me if I’ve taken it, but actually watch me put the pill in my mouth and swallow it.” And then everything just kinda poured out of my mouth and Ben was his always supportive, but stern, self. He is understanding of my depression but he is able to give me just enough kick in the ass to STOP DOING THAT SHIT. I can’t even describe to you how much I hate having to ask him to do that, to check up on me like a little kid, but I’m smart enough and experienced enough with how my depression works to know that I can’t trust myself to remember how this felt in six months and stop taking it again.
When I said in the last blog that a look from Ben cold cause me to “fall to the floor and cry for three hours straight”, that’s what I meant. Because any little emotion I felt SO STRONGLY it practically dropped me to my knees. I even suffered from a bit of agoraphobia because I would get so over stimulated at the grocery store or restaurant that I literally clung to Ben to keep from falling over.
So anyway, that’s why I kinda disappeared about a month ago. For a few weeks I wasn’t posting on forums, hardly twittering, not really blogging, etc. But I’m medicated now! And as clinically sane as I can ever be! And that’s where I was. Well, for the last two or so weeks I’ve just been too lazy to post but still.
So, HOW HAVE ALL OF YOU BEEN!?