Cakewalk.

Lately I’ve been really, really, really, really bad about wheat consumption. Times four. I know that I can have it in small quantities. Very small quantities. So I’ll be like, “It’s okay to have this sandwich because I can take the top piece of bread off and that’s half the bread and I’ll be okay!” Then for dinner I’ll be all, “I only had that half a piece of bread so I’ll be okay to have a piece of pizza or two tonight.” Then I’m awake all night with horrible stomach cramps and the next say I’m SO TIRED and a little itchy… and this sandwich today only has that one slice of bread so I’ll be okay!

It’s a downward spiral and then one day I wake up and I can’t hardly stand to MOVE because I feel SO lethargic and my stomach has this constant dull pain and I have splotches of skin gross-ness popping up and MY GOD it ITCHES and my head hurts and I’m so bloated I can hardly button my pants and suddenly I’m running for the bathroom because my body is about to release an atomic bomb of PISSED.

Sorry for that! But you get where I was Monday morning. I seriously was at the point where I wanted to just take a knife and cut the dull pain out. Except, sharp pain probably sucks too. So instead of taking such drastic measures I decided it’s just time to stop eating wheat again. ALL WHEAT. No, have a little here and there. None. Cold turkey. FINITO!

And mother fucker it sucks balls.

So for the last two days I’ve been eating a lot of fruit and veggies and turkey and you’d think I was on some kind of stupid diet. Major Medical University had cake brought in for a whatever Celebration Of The Day it is today and no less than 7 girls asked me if I wanted cake and I got REALLY TIRED of having do say no. And then the exact same conversation:

Coworker: Are you on a diet?!
Me: No, I can’t have wheat.
Coworker: Oh! Atkins!
Me: No, I’m not on a diet. I just can’t eat wheat.
Coworker: Oh so, South Beach Plan?
Me: I’m ALLERGIC to wheat, I can’t eat it.
Coworker: I’ve seen you eat it before.
Me: *blink* *blink* Yes, I’m on a diet.

Yes, I’ve eaten cake before! And then I’ve spent the rest of the afternoon running for the bathroom and camping out in there for 20 minutes at a time. And then?! Then I go home and lay on the couch and moan and groan about how bad my stomach hurts and my head is pounding and when Ben asks me, “What did you have to eat today?” I have to fight the urge to impale the remote control into his head for being right again. I even told him I thought the doctor was a quack and didn’t know what he was talking about. This isn’t caused by wheat! I’ve been eating wheat all my life! I thought if I said it enough or somehow managed to convince Ben that maybe it would be true. But he just looked at me like, “Yep. Still crazy.”

But it is wheat. I feel better today than I’ve felt in the last month and it’s not generally the time of month I feel great. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* My stomach, after two days, almost feels normal. Almost. My head is hurting a little but I think that’s because everything is blooming right now and a little bit of sinus trauma is expected. It’s certainly not as bad as it was Sunday after having Eggs Alexandria. And toast. And flour dredged potato goodness. All at one meal… I’m so weak. And I paid for it by feeling like DEATH while we shopped.

I’m so weak and I REALLY have to fight things like chocolate cake covered in sugery goodness…

Me: Hi. Where are you?
Ben: Sil and I came to Mongolian BBQ.
Me: Awww man! I LOVE Mongolian BBQ!
Ben: Come have Mongolian BBQ with us!
Me: I can’t HAVE Mongolian BBQ! I called you to be whiny and complain that I can’t have cake and you are having Mongolian BBQ and now I don’t feel any better AT ALL.
Ben: Okay!
Me: Well, I guess I COULD have it, I’d just have to not put noodles in my bowl.
Ben: That would be great because you could get all the good stuff! Meat and veggies and…
Me: And egg flower soup! I love egg flower soup.
Ben: Yeah! See?
Me: Except I couldn’t have egg rolls.
Ben: No. But you COULD HAVE all the other stuff.
Me: Yeah, well I’ll let you go so you can eat the good stuff that I can’t have that’s good stuff.
Ben: Okay love you bye!
Me: Love you bye!

I hate you wheat. Hate you. (Not really I love you, please love me back?)