Aflux.net

I’m here! I’m posting! From my phone! But still!

Monday is my busiest day of the week. It’s Get Shit Done Day and normally I don’t stop getting that shit done till I fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day. Work, dropping and picking Cassidy up from practice, grocery shopping (Costco, Safeway and sometimes the Vitamin Store) and menu planning for the week, it’s my day to walk the dogs, cook dinner, finish laundry, then whatever other crap I have going on (today was taking the Halloween decorations down). It’s just rough. And today I did it with a massive headache and while trying to spend some time with Ben who’s having a really bad allergic reaction to something we can’t figure out so the poor guy is itchy and miserable and I just want to hug him but I can’t because that just makes it worse.

#RunonSentenceWinning

So anyway, I did it! Day 2 of NaBloPoMo! BAM! And now I’m off to cuddle doggies and bullet journal my Tuesday!

Oh hey look! It’s NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month). I’ve attempted to complete the entire month of posting but don’t think I’ve every actually pulled it off. I think two weeks was my best attempt. [Yoda]But try, I shall![/Yoda]

Let’s see.

Oh! I started a bullet journal and I really love it so far. I’d been wanting to try it for quite some time but all the beautifully designed and maintained pictures I was seeing on Pinterest and Instagram were making me feel completely overwhelmed. Finally I decided to just go ahead and order a Leuchtturm 1917 in pink and a few washi tapes and see how it goes. SO GLAD I started because it has kept me SO much more organized and I realized right away that I was spending far too much time planning for Cassidy and Ben while not really doing anything for MYSELF.

What I love about bullet journaling is that it flows with my naturally scattered thought process, it is INIFINITLY customaziable and can be done for CHEAP. All you really need is a book and a pen. Of course, I like to make mine pretty with highlighters and washi but so far I have less than $40 into all of it. I looked into other popular planners like the Erin Condren but could just NOT get over the initial cost investment! Plus all the add-ons! And it’s so BIG. I wanted something I could fit into most of my purses for on the go planning.

I’m using Miss Zoot’s monthly printable calendars which are perfectly sized. I was originally then doing two days to a page but I’ve decided to use one day per page going forward starting in November so I can add to the page as the day progresses.

So yeah! If you want to learn more about bullet journaling I highly suggest starting here then looking at Pinterest and Instagram for more inspiration and ideas.

Hans does not like the dogs. Like, not even a little. Specifically he does not like Kumo because while Danica will just ignore that Hans exists like all other living things, whenever Kumo sees Hans he basically flips his shit. OMG LOOK IT’S HANS WHAT IS HANS DOING IS HANS GOING TO COME IN HERE PERHAPS IF I RUN AT HIM LIKE A LUNATIC HE WILL LIKE ME FINALLY!

We dance a delicate little dance here every day in which we have to make sure that Hans is nowhere in sight if the dogs come upstairs and Hans will only come downstairs after the dogs are in our room for the night. Every morning at the disgusting hour of 5:00AM he meets me at the bottom of the stairs so we can discuss important matters such as who we’re going to vote for in the upcoming primary election, how best to solve the Israeli Palestinian conflict, and which faucet hardware we think will best match the new vanity in the downstairs bathroom. Or I just sprinkle some catnip on the ground and watch him writhe around in a stoned frenzy.

So it wasn’t out of the ordinary when I came downstairs last night at 11:00PM, because I got a call from Cassidy asking to be picked up after the homecoming game, to find Hans down there ready to chat. I had just woken up from a blissfully deep sleep and kind of stumbled towards the door trying not to trip over the dog beds and toys and was completely thrown off when Hans ran out the door when I opened it.

I immediately dropped my phone and clutch on the floor and ran out the door after him. Luckily I was able to grab him without a lot of trouble while he was still in the front yard and ran back towards the front door just in time to see the dogs come barreling down the stairs and towards the front door. This, of course, caused Hans to freak the fuck out and so I grabbed the door and slammed it shut in front of me.

So there I am, outside in a long tshirt and knee high socks, no phone to call Ben, no way I can open the front door and no way I can put Hans down even though he’s currently trying to claw my face off.

I opened the door about an inch and called for Ben (not too loud because I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m crazy) to call the dogs upstairs but Ben doesn’t answer because he’s BLISSFULLY ASLEEP like I should be at 11:00PM. This is not working.

So I get the idea to use the keypad to open the garage door thinking I’ll just drop Hans in the there till I can get back from picking Cassidy up and deal with it then. Except once the garage door is closed and I can finally let go of the animal that had chosen to impale his claws into my side like a goddamn velociraptor, I go to open the door to the house and OF COURSE it’s locked because why would the door NOT be locked at 11:00PM at night!?

MOTHERFUCKER

The next few ideas are not good ones.

Put the cat in the M3 till I can get inside and get the dogs upstairs? A gif of Ben’s head exploding over and over again running through my head means NO.

Put the cat in the Volkswagon? Again, NO.

Put the cat in my car, pick up Cassidy, deal with it when I get home? Nope! Key is in the clutch inside the front door!

Try and open the garage door and get out without letting Hans out?! HAHAHHHAHHAHHA NO.

So I pick him up while trying to keep a tight grip on all the pointy parts and open the garage door, walk to the front door, open it an inch and start yelling at Ben at the top of my lungs because fuck the neighbors I’m over this comedy act.

As I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in my long tshirt and knee high socks while holding my cat that’s screeching equally as loud and trying to eat my ear with his last means of defense I hear footsteps behind me because this is the exact moment that a group of teenage boys choose to walk past my house.

BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS A GROUP OF WITNESSES.

Ben finally calls the dogs upstairs and I’m able to detach Hans’ teeth from the side of my face and finally, FINALLY, he is inside the house.

When I got home from picking Cassidy up I walked upstairs and stood in the hallway where I could see Hans on Cassidy’s bed, Danica on her bed and Kumo in bed with Ben. All of them just chilling there like nothing happened and everybody was just swell and I finally flipped.

I pointed at Hans and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

I pointed at Danica and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

I pointed at Kumo and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

“YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!”

Then Ben yelled at me to be quiet LIKE I WAS THE ASSHOLE IN THIS SITUATION.

No, BLISSFULY ASLEEP BEN, the asshole in this situation is the ball of fur currently snuggled into your side waiting for me to get back in bed so he can fart.

The End.

Did I ever tell you about Boozle Filbert Greenleaf Hirsch the 1st? I don’t think that I did. Not here anyway.

So I won a plant at our monthly all hands meeting at work and because I have to name EVER LIVING THING at work, I asked the internet for the best names for him. One name just didn’t seem like enough for such a majestic creature so I finally decided on Boozle Filbert Greenleaf Hirsch the 1st. And yes, I call him by his full name when we talk about him at work.

Coworker: Do you need me to water your plant while you’re gone?
Me: No, I gave Boozle Filbert Greenleaf Hirsch the 1st enough water to last till I get back.

I named the squirrel that always hangs around our window Toby. And the turtle that likes to sun himself on the rock in the pond is Tank. My coworkers have even adopted my neurotic tendencies and call these animals by name now when they give me updates.

Coworker: I saw Tank sunning himself today!

I like to think that they find it endearing. Ben, on the other hand, apparently finds it pretty annoying because I brought a new plant home tonight and realized when I went to plant it that he had moved the potting soul. Actually, he didn’t MOVE it, he THREW IT AWAY. Because he hated Chester Copperpot BEFORE HE EVEN MET HIM. I called him to find out where the soil was…

Me: Where did you put the potting soil?
Ben: I threw it away because it was old and dried out.
Me: NOOOOOOOO! I bought a new plant for my indoor pot and I need it!
Ben: Oh well! Guess you’ll have to get more!
Me: I named him.
Ben: I don’t need to know the plant’s name.
Me: His name is Chester Copperpot and he is offended.
Ben: Did you need something else? I’m driving.
Me: I’m going to eat breakfast for dinner.

So here is Chester Copperpot (and Kumo in the background who is scared of him… yes, our pitbull mix is scared of the new PLANT.) He is a “money tree” according to the label and I admit I haven’t done a TON of research yet but I assume the cash buds will start sprouting soon.

First, before we get into the spa day, this is what I woke up to. This right here is the window I looked out every morning of every summer of my childhood. Well, the trees are quite a bit bigger now but it’s the same awesome window and the same awesome view and if I could possibly transport this window and this view home I’d be happy forever and ever. The end.

So on Day 2 my aunt had arranged for us to have some facials and a massage at Osiris and IT. WAS. AMAZING. From the second you walk in you are pampered and treated and just made to feel FABULOUS.

We started by changing into these fabulous robed that Cassidy gladly models below. I asked her to smile. *sigh*

After we had our robes on they gave us a tour of the facility and it was just so zen and beautiful and quiet and smelled delicious. All around were these little planters with little fairy scenes in them. I love the one on the left with the guitar because she reminded me of Cassidy.

After the tour my aunt, Cassidy and I soaked in the hot tub for awhile. They also had a steam shower and a sauna but we were in Pennsylvania! All you have to do to experience a wet, humid heat is walk outside!

After soaking for a bit we changed out of our suits and relaxed by this AMAZING coy pond. Seriously, it was the size of most swimming pools and some of the pools were almost as big as Danica!

Then we got called in for our treatments. A facial for me, my aunt and Cassidy and then a full body massage for my mom. She had to have a massage because she got a spray tan before she left and didn’t want it to be washed off her face because she is pale and silly.

BEST. FACIAL. EVER. I mean it. Hands down. My aunt gave me the products used as a gift and I’ve been using them and LOVING them ever since. I’m planning on doing a blog post on these items because they are THAT GOOD. SO GOOD. PERFECT AND AWESOME.

When I came out Cassidy was doing what she does best. Eating all the snacks she could get on her plate. They had a really nice selection of snacks and drinks that you could just grab for as long as you were there.

After that we headed back to the house and Cassidy found a friend. She had never actually seen a hairy caterpillar so she was pretty ecstatic.

While my aunt and uncle were cooking us a delicious pork chops for dinner my grandpa David told me to go outside because he wanted to show me something. THIS VAN. It drove us across the entire country for my most favorite road trip of all time. We stopped so many awesome places along the way. Bryce Canyon, Carlsbad Caverns, the Grand Canyon, Graceland and so many other cool places. I really need to get those photos digitized.

It’s so funny because whenever my grandpa talks about that trip the first thing he always recalls is that at the time I had LA Gear shoes that had three shoelaces in each shoe so they’d have to warn me we’d be stopping at least 10 minutes in advance to lace my shoes. But come on, those shoes were AWESOME. Pretty sure these are the exact shoes.

My uncle Craig came over and we ate those delicious pork chops and talked and laughed and enjoyed the warm summer evening.

After that I feel into another night of perfect Pennsylvania sleep.

SEVENTEEN. I just don’t have words. But I do have two photos that perfectly sum up the person she is right now in life which is: AWESOME.

I’ve spent quite a bit of time in counseling trying to learn ways to cope with what happens exactly a year from today when she’s no longer going to need me. I know LOGICALLY they don’t suddenly stop needing you at 18 but my HEART doesn’t seem to want to get the message. I know she will be okay. She is an amazing kid with an endless amount of potential and is so much smarter than she believes herself to be.

I am equal parts scared out of my mind to let go to let her grow and excited to get to know the woman she’s going to become.

When I realized that my mom had booked tickets for 6:45AM OMG WHY I decided it would probably be best to stay at her house before the flight so that I could sleep in as late as humanly possible since her place is only a few miles from the airport. Then she came in at 3:00AM to do WORK STUFF AT THREE AM OMG WHY. So I got about an hour of sleep.

As soon as we landed in Las Vegas people’s true nature shined. Mom immediately found a Brighton store and proceeded to build and buy herself a new charm bracelet. Cassidy immediately sought out a food place she had never eaten to try something new. It was chili cheese fries from Nathan’s Hot Dogs. At 8:00AM. I found the closest Wheel of Fortune slot machine and proceeded to lose an amount of money I will not disclose because Ben’s brain might explode.

Once everybody had shopped, been fed and lost the appropriate amount of money we sat at our gate and Cassidy and mom requested that I French braid their hair so I did that. While I was braiding, my mom and Cassidy started to fight about who should get to sit by the window because we all wanted to see the country on the Vegas to Pittsburgh leg of the trip. Eventually we all decided we would take turns so Cassidy got this leg, sat by the window and immediately proceeded to sleep the entire four hour flight.

Mom and I dealt with this travesty and not being able to see the country by drinking rum and cokes an eating the hummus I grabbed right before boarding.

I did manage to grab the middle seat when we were landing so I got to see all the GREEN. This is my favorite part of the flight back east. When you land pretty much anywhere in California it’s just concrete jungle for miles and miles but back east it’s all nature and beautiful and trees and GREEN.

Pennsylvania is very proud of their history so I took a very serious picture with the founder of our country.

My grandpa David is an awesomely unique dude and when we got into his van when he picked us up there were two GPS units and a message he’d printed out taped to the glove box.

I wish I could say that I had more pictures of this day but I was pretty exhausted and spent the entire trip to my aunt’s house with my face glued to the window just taking in all the sights and memories that would flood back when I recognized things. Then we got to eat an amazing dinner my aunt made us while we visited and caught up and laughed and I never even thought to pick up my phone or take a picture of my food. It was great.

It was really crazy to be back in the house I lived in every summer. It was different but SO much the same. The same smells, the same sounds and that feeling of it being my second home was pretty much immediate. I love it there. I went to bed that night listening to the crickets chirping and the wind blowing and the sounds I remember falling asleep to all those summer nights and fell into the most awesome kind of deep sleep.

So I’ve been trying to pretend like this doesn’t exist for a couple days now and I was hoping that it would blow over and not pollute my news feeds with bullshit but now it just seems to be catching more steam and I feel like if I don’t say SOMETHING in response to it… I don’t know. I feel like there are certain causes a lot of people feel really strongly about and body positivity is one of mine. It is, of course, very important to spread that word around but I focus more on just dealing with my OWN issues and when I find things along the way that I think are worth sharing I do. For the most part I am comfortable in my own skin. Am I overweight? Absolutely. I will still rock a bikini at the beach, I will wear whatever the hell I want and I am SO PROUD of how strong my body is. More than I care about the fact that I have some cellulite on my legs, I care that my badass legs can power through a 4.75 mile uphill hike/run like a fucking boss.

But in my life I feel like I have one real person who I HAVE to teach to love her body. Cassidy is 16 and she’s growing up in a time when the internet is there to remind her EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. of all her shortcomings. I try very hard to teach her that EVERY SINGLE LIVING HUMAN is unique and beautiful and worthy of love and respect.

So when this video by Nicole Arbour (that I’m not going to link because she doesn’t deserve the ad revenue) titled Dear Fat People hit the internet like an atomic bomb, I knew I’d need to address it with Cassidy who was bound to see it eventually.

It is disgusting. It is fat shaming at it’s very worst that she failed to wrap in some “I’m doing this for your benefit” bullshit. Because apparently shaming people into changing suddenly started working? I mean, all these articles about how fat shaming actually only makes people gain MORE weight are totally wrong. Because science is dumb.

• The Guardian: ‘Fat shaming’ does not help people lose weight, study finds
• NBC: Fat shaming actually increases risk becoming or staying obese new study says.
• The Huffington Post: Fat Shaming Can Lead To Weight Gain — Now Can We Stop The Bullying?

The list goes on and on. The #1 way to NOT help people lose weight? SHAME THEM. STUDIES! SCIENCE!

You don’t walk up to the kid that’s struggling the most in school and tell them how stupid they are in an attempt to get them to do better. Because: COMMON SENSE!

If your marriage is failing you don’t sit on the couch and relentless hound your spouse about all the things they are doing wrong and expect the outcome to be a fixed marriage. Because: COMMON SENSE!

Is it really actually necessary to have to explain this to people? Yes, it is necessary because Nicole Arbour’s fat shaming word vomit went viral.

So I took Cassidy to dinner Thursday night and asked her if she had seen it. She said she had heard some people talking about it but that she had not seen it yet. Knowing that she was absolutely going to watch it after me asking about it, we watched it together and had a really great conversation about fat shaming and body shaming in general. I am so glad that this is a seed I planted in her a long time ago because she’s always been very open with me about her own body issues. Luckily Cassidy agreed immediately that this video was a vile and asinine attempt at “comedy” and “satire”. #ParentingWin

And here’s the thing. Had Nicole come out after the video’s reaction and said, “Hey, you know what? I see that I was really insensitive. I’m going to keep the video up because I was really just trying to be funny but I’m sorry if my words hurt you or made you feel inferior in any way” then I would have probably just shrugged my shoulders and moved on.

But her absolute refusal to take any kind of personal responsibility for her words is almost as offensive to me as her ridiculous videos. Not only will she not acknowledge her fault, she’s actually proud of the fact that she’s PROFITING off the hate. Bragging about all her new subscribers and retweeting all the people that agree with her while dismissing anybody that calls her out about being insensitive as a “hater”.

She can continue to say that haters are overly sensitive and make entire videos talking about how she’s a “comedian” but the people that are agreeing with her and backing her up are the same kind of people that think that people are “too sensitive” and in my experience people that use “you are too sensitive” are the kind of people that aren’t bothered by comments with racist undertones or offhanded comments about transgender struggles. And if those are the people you want to hitch to your fame train don’t be surprised when you wake up one day and realize that you are laying in a pile of trash and hate. That’s a sad and lonely place to be.

When I was telling Ben that I was writing this post he asked me what my end goal was. I had to pause for a second and think then told him at the end of the day, I don’t want the kind of people that think this kind of humor is funny in my life. So going forward when people post about it anywhere I’ll just link them to this post and tell them to really pay attention to the last paragraph.

If you can watch the reaction videos I posted below and still think that Nicole’s video is funny and that all these people are just “too sensitive” just do me a favor and unfriend me from any social media. And in real life. Because you are an asshole and I don’t have the time or patience for that.

Mandatory Disclaimer: I was in no way compensated for this post. We purchased the product with our own money, we were not asked to review this product, the manufacturer of the product does not even know we exist. I just REALLY like this toilet.

So as all of the internet is well aware, we have been in the middle of a huge downstairs overhaul. At first we were just going to install new tile floors and, like all home improvement projects, it snowballed into LETS DO ALL THE THINGS! I mean, since we’re doing the floor and we have to take out the toilet and sink in the downstairs half bath might as well replace them with new ones since we HATE that builders standard crap anyway, RIGHT!?

Except you can’t just “replace a toilet” when Ben is your husband. There is research, cost comparisons, more research, asking all the parents and in-laws for advice, more research, then shopping around everywhere you can find then you end up with the best toilet ever made in the history of the world.

We ended up getting the TOTO CST454CEFG#01 and IT. IS. AMAZING! In the spirit of total honesty, our household is hell on toilets. My belly issues are well documented and it looks like Cassidy is starting to inherit them and Ben eats more fiber than most full grown elephants. Clogged toilets are a weekly occurrence around here so we really needed something that would be able to handle our unique bathroom experiences.

I had pretty serious doubts about how well this toilet was going to work but GOOD LORD this toilet is THE TOILET THAT THE HIRSH HOUSHOLD NEEDED. There are entire YouTube videos dedicated to people trying to clog this toilet. It is impossible. It can not happen.

Here she is in all her perfection the day she arrived from Amazon:

Right away the two big differences in the toilet were obvious. The two water ports at the top that create a true whirlpool and clean the toilet with every flush. I’m not even kidding, it has been over a week of heavy use and the toilet looks like it has never been used! The other difference is a huge hole at the bottom across from the outlet hole that pushes water out of it so hard I’m scared it might actually take your hand down the drain if for some weird reason you wanted to stick your hand in the toilet which, gross dude. You need to re-evaluate your life choices.

Let the install begin!

I have quite a bit of experience taking the tank off the back of the toilet and putting it back on because our master bath toilet and I got into a huge fight about a month ago when it would not stop running which required me to take the tank on and off three times before I finally beat it into submission. I had only witnessed a toilet being installed though so that was a new experience for the both of us. After two separate trips to Home Depot we got it done and it was glorious.

And done!

When Ben first told me we were going to spend $375.00 (including the seat) on a toilet I thought he was crazy. Now? I’d spend twice that amount because: WORTH IT. Eventually I’d love to have one of these in the two other bathrooms but that will not happen anytime soon as we have so much more to do first. One of those things is the next step in this bathroom, the vanity! Stay tuned, I know you all can’t wait!

Till then, I’m off to try and clog the Toto!

Saturday we woke up and basically got our entire weekend To Do List done in one day. The entire day we kept saying to each other to just keep going and get it done because then tomorrow we can do NOTHING. And we did it!

So as we were getting into bed last night I was completely exhausted as we were making plans to get up and take the dogs for a walk at Harvey Bear. We knew it would be warm today so we wanted to start early. The plan was to get there at 8:00AM so we could complete the 7+ mile hike before it got too hot. Ben smartly told me that I needed to get myself up because I am kind of a grumpy asshole in the morning. Seriously, I hate MYSELF at 7:00AM.

So I set my iPhone alarm to go off at 7:05AM then again at a more realistic 7:30AM. I was going to wake up and be ready to go BEFORE BEN. I’d show him. I was going to ROCK that morning and KILL that hike and he was going to be like, “WOW! She is AWESOME!”

When the sun came up this morning I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and close the blinds, which we keep open all night because BREEZE, so I just put my eye mask on and went back to sleep.

Finally Ben quietly asked me if was hungry and wanted to go eat.

Me: Go eat!? What are you going to eat this early?!
Ben: I want a bagel.
Me: Are they even open this early?
Ben: I know they are.
Me: What time is it?
Ben: 9:30
Me: No it’s not. (He always lies the first time!)
Ben: It’s 8:15
Me: Shut up no it’s not, I’m serious that time is it?
Ben: It’s 8:15!
Me: It can’t be 8:15. That’s impossible!
Ben: Why?
Me: Because I set my alarm to go off at 7:05!
Ben: Uhhhhh…

So I roll over and sure enough it’s 8:15! THE HECK!?

Turns out that you shouldn’t set your alarm when you are so tired.

I’m pretty sure what happened is my heart was like YES! WE ARE AWESOME! LET’S ROCK THIS! And my brain was all AHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA NO! JOKES ON YOU! SUCKER!

Ben has the patience of a saint. He let me sleep in and it was GLORIOUS. He said he knew my heart was in the right place and it totally was. But still, this blonde streak is pretty much a daily occurrence and to stick with it for TWELVE years now it pretty amazing. Dammit, HE’S the awesome one!

The End.