POOPSPLOSION!

I snapped this photo seconds before heading out the door to take an early evening run with my two favorite furry creatures on Wednesday. Little did I know that it would be the most shitty run I’d ever had.

LITERALLY.

SHITTY.

I’d planned on doing a 2.5 mile loop around our neighborhood. Since I’m just getting back into trying to Be A Runner I’ve been stuck in this pattern of: run 1/4 mile, walk 1/4 mile, rinse/repeat till I hit my desired distance. I hate it and it sucks and on this run I decided that I was ready to break that cycle. And I did.

I walked 1/4 mile, started running and decided I was not going to stop. And I didn’t.

Till Kumo had to poop.

So he pooped and I did my proper Pet Parent duty and picked it up to carry it with me till I could get to the trash can that I knew was about 1/4 mile away.

But I had committed! I was not going to walk! And I entered that Runner’s Zone where everything was just perfect. My breathing was perfectly coordinated with my steps, my Nerdist podcast was funny, my pace was on point for the duration, the dogs were happily jogging beside me, I wasn’t having to THINK about running at all, it was just happening.

So I ran right past the first garbage can. I didn’t even realize I still had a bag of poop in my hand along with Kumo’s retractable leash handle.

Till I felt something warm and wet hit my leg and looked down to see what it was.

And that’s when everything got REALLY SHITTY.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized that the warm wet substance was wet poop leaking from the bottom of the bag. Then I looked over at the bag and realized there was wet poop all over my hand and the leash handle. What I didn’t realize was that while I had stopped, Kumo had not. I didn’t realize that till he reached the end of the 20 foot leash, yanked the handle in my hand causing me to drop the poop bag. The poop bag hit the ground and a perfect arc of wet poop cascaded forth from the bottom of the bag spraying me from the chest down in a spattering of wet poop.

And I froze.

And then the smell hit me and I spent a good minute standing perfectly still while dry heaving and wondering WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!?

I’m 1.5 miles from home if I go forward, I’m about .75 miles from home if I go back. In my head I’m trying to decide how committed I actually am here. I slowly shuffled over to the trash can about 10 feet in front of me and started trying to use the free poop bags they provide along the trail to wipe the poop off the leash handle and my hand. I ended up rubbing them all over the grass along the trail and got them clean-ish. Then started trying to use the clean poop bags to wipe the poop off my capris and tank top but that was just smearing it in more.

The entire time Kumo is sitting on the side of the trail with is head cocked to the side while staring at me as if to say, “How come you yell at me if I try and rub myself in random poops I find or if I try and eat the cat poop but you get to paint your body and play with my poop?”

So I stoop up, took a deep breath, dry heaved again, and kept running.

I ran 1.5 miles covered in my dog’s poop. Thankfully I only saw another person once. Usually when I’m running at night and have my head lamp on I don’t look people in the face as I pass them because the LED light blinds you for a good while. I will tilt my head down and say hello instead. This time, I looked that poor teenage boy right in the face for as long as I could so that he’d be too blind to figure out where the smell was coming from.

Not even sorry.

It took a 20 minute shower with the hot water on full blast and almost an entire bar of soap to finally feel clean again.

Still the best run I’ve had in awhile.

The end.