I’ve been trying to write this post for three days now but it’s just not happening the way I want it to. I can’t get the words to formulate correctly into sentences that properly convey what I’m trying to say and it feels like if I don’t say it correctly or enough or with the proper amount of conviction that its a failed attempt.
I’m going to try again and see how it goes.
Last Friday a parent at Cassidy’s school very RUDELY questioned Ben’s parental authority… in front of Cassidy. That’s really the nicest way I can say it. I tend to fill the sentences with F and C words when I tell it in person. Man, backspace keys rule.
In reality she basically said to Ben: “You’re not her father so you don’t make that decision.”
Seriously, five days later the emotion those words stir up are… violent. Caustic acidic emotions that I want to spit directly into her face. Instead when I saw her that afternoon when she tried to speak to me I kept it very short and sweet:
“Do not EVER presume to think you can tell my fiance or daughter who IS and IS NOT her parent. Ben has raised Cassidy for over HALF HER LIFE. He IS HER DAD.”
What is a dad? Is a dad somebody that makes sure her teeth are brushed every morning? Who takes the time to explain long devision over and over and over with he patience of a SAINT? Who makes her laugh so hard she turns red and cries? Who helps gang up on mom and frustrate her to the point of actual brain combustion? Who makes sure she gets to school on time? Who provides food, clothes, toys and health insurance?
I think so. And Ben is all those things and so much more. He does all those thing, not out of a sense of duty, but because he loves Cassidy. Blood or not, she is his daughter.
This is not to say that Troy is NOT her dad. He is. And Mary is her step-mom and Amber is still her grandma and Big Troy is still her grandpa.
Ben and I have both taken the time to explain “step” people to Cassidy before. She knows that Nana is my “step-mom” and that I have “step-sisters”. But she also knows that Papa loves my step-sisters as much as he loves me. Equal. Not less or more. And she understands that while one Nana is my “mom” and one Nana is my “step-mom”, we love both grandmas equally. And they both love us just as much back. To us, “steps” just equal more love! Why have ONE Nana when you can have TWO!?
You are an excellent father. I know that. You know that. Cassidy knows that. Anybody that truly knows you, knows that. When she does something she is so proud of she wants to burst, you are the first person she runs to tell. When she wants somebody to explain something thats really important to her, it’s you she turns to. When I have a question or a concern, you are the first person I turn to. When I start to second guess my parenting or a decision I’ve made, you are the first person I turn to.
You are not only her father, you are my equal partner in raising OUR child. She will be the product of our upbringing. I can’t tell you how thankful that I am that she has you in her life, that WE have you in our lives. I can’t keep every moron out there from saying idiotic things to you, but I can remind you that the three of us are one family and that I love you and I look forward to raising Cassidy together with you. Until the day she turns 18 and we kick her out of the house.
11 thoughts on “Three equals one.”
LOL i love that last line! if my parents followed that i would have been out of the house 11 years ago! But anyways, Ben is a GREAT DAD! If i was him i would have told that woman off, And what you said to her, it was enough, but i would have gone off in the bitches face!
She had no right to say what she did. My mum was raised by her step-dad from the age of two and to her, he is her dad. She doesn’t class him as her step-dad because her birth father was never there for her. I’m glad you said something to that woman though.
[quote comment=””]She had no right to say what she did. My mum was raised by her step-dad from the age of two and to her, he is her dad. She doesn’t class him as her step-dad because her birth father was never there for her. I’m glad you said something to that woman though.[/quote]
I just have to know what her reply and reaction was to you Anna? Did she even attempt to defend herself to you? Did she apologize?
This might piss some people off, but I’m saying it anyway because I want to and I feel it’s 100% truth. Children who are products of mixed families, whatever the situation may be, are always going to feel that the stable, loving, two parents who are raising them are mom and dad. It’s always going to be a stronger bond and it’s always going to be what the child is a product of. God forbid Cassidy’s father had custody of her and you saw her once a year, she’d be a product of his raising and probably feel that way about him and his wife.
Eventually Cassidy is going to realize, if she doesn’t already, that you and Ben fight to keep her safe, fed, happy, healthy, and motivated. That doesn’t mean she’s going to love anyone any less that’s a step anything or even her biological father, but I think she’s always going to hold Ben as her “dad”. She might not feel comfortable saying it for a long time because she feels loyal to her father, but that’s just how it is.
This is why it pisses me off that people make these assumptions on who is allowed to do what just because of sperm meeting egg. They are idiots and I’m glad you told her about it. It cracks me up that adults cannot grasp this concept but my four year old can tell you whose stomach housed her for 9 months, that she has 3 siblings that lived in the same woman, and that she didn’t want to keep any of them so they live at place A,B,C and you know what that makes us? A family. Golly, Sydney gets it why can’t bitchy women who stick their noses in people’s business?
[quote comment=””]I just have to know what her reply and reaction was to you Anna? Did she even attempt to defend herself to you? Did she apologize?
I didn’t give her the chance to respond. She started to speak and I told her I wasn’t going to have any more of the conversation there at the school because it was deprespectful to everybody around and walked away. The confrontation with Ben took place AT OUR HOUSE. So when she said it he kicked her out and shut the door in her face.
To me, Ben IS The Dad. Her biological father hasn’t really done anything to warrant the name at all in the last four years so he’s really just a father by proxy.
I think you expressed your beliefs very adequately! Did the lady ever stop to think that her logic was flawed? What authority did she have to say anything to Cassidy? Yet she could questions Ben’s authority?
Ben is a wonderful father to Cassidy and mate to you. My sense of Ben is that he knows that, and is not really threatened by the words of a horses ass (I do have a backspace but prefer not to use it!) Nana and I see all the difference he has made in Cassidy’s and your life and are happy that you found each other. I know your mom has high regard for Ben as well. The hell with everyone else!
YAH! WHAT YOUR DADDY SAID!!!!!!!!!
Here’s the point of the story. And trying to be perfectly PC about it all by saying that children know everyone loves everyone equally just shows how protective and fair and wonderful you two ARE to Cassidy.. because I agree with Ranee.
DNA does not make you a parent. It makes you a father, it makes you a mother. But that is about as far as it gets you. Anything even relatively close to the realm of love that Ben has shown Cassidy is what it warrants to be considered a “Dad”, a “Mom”, a PARENT.
Biological parents have to earn their right to be considered for those roles, and frankly, Troy seems to have played just enough of a part to be the father – but not the dad. And, if she doesn’t outwardly acknowledge it already, in a few years time Cassidy herself will blatantly know what the rest of us already can assume: Anna is Mom, Ben is Dad.. and Troy and Mary are a very nice set of side parents who pop in and out.
Every story regarding Ben & Cass on here is heart warming. I’ve never even met you and I can feel the warmth in his heart for her, his concern, his care and his RIGHT to be a decision maker in her life. The few stories I do recall about Troy? I recall one where he dialed you up sometime near her birthday to suggest you drive her down to where he was racing his car (some track??) so he could say hi, basically.
That comparison alone explains it to me. And if a naive and completely untactful parent wants to open her mouth and confirm her stupidity on a subject she most certainally knows NOTHING about.. just remember you have each other, and be thrilled that neither of you three are that single-celled.
I’m sorry you had to go through that 🙁 The woman is naive and, well, there’s nothing I could add to what everyone else has already said.
I can’t think of any adjectives to describe that woman that aren’t sweary-type words, so let’s just leave it that she is a moron.
Thank God or whatever you believe in for men like Ben. My daddy – the man who raised me, made sure I had school clothes, sat through boring Christmas concerts, taught me to flyfish, and did all the things a DAD does – has no biological or legal tie to me. I don’t think of anyone else as my dad – not even my biological father (who I haven’t seen in 17 years or talked to in 12). How dare that moo cow lady insinuate Ben isn’t Cassidy’s father.
To me, there’s a difference between a father and a dad. A father is someone who gets a mother pregnant. His DNA has contributed to the creation of a child. A dad is someone who loves a child, be it his or his significant other’s, someone who is a parent figure, someone who is THERE when their child needs them, good or bad.
Ben is her dad. He loves her. He’s raising her. He takes care of and provides for her. She loves him and trusts him and see him as a father figure. Save for the DNA involved, I’d say that’s all the makings of fatherhood right there.
I hate ignorant people, I really do. She has no right to question your family structure. All that matters is that you ARE a family. My stepsister has two kids; her son is from a high school boyfriend that got her pregnant and her current husband now has gotten flack for not being the kid’s dad, even though her husband is the only father that kid has ever known.
And honestly? Any guy who isn’t scared off by another man’s child deserves mad respect. So many men can’t even handle the idea of having their own kids, let alone raising someone else’s.
Don’t let her get to you, Anna. You know the strength of your family. Cassidy knows she is loved and you guys are happy. Everyone else be damned.
Thank you for all of the kind words. However, just to clarify to anyone that thought that I stood there, sad/confused at the door, with my tail bewteen my legs, Anna got it right, in that at the very first mention of this ‘yahoo’ (she didn’t earn the status of lady) questioning my function/role in Cassidy’s life, I said to her with a look of digshust and utter distain “You need to leave, ..NOW”, to which she replied “Ya know? you are VERY RUDE”.
“No? YOU are very rude (she’s still standing a step inside the door), you need to leave right now (as I started to motion/walk toward her, I added), …You need to LEAVE NOW or I will Call the San Jose Police Department and have you removed from OUR property!”
At this point, she started to walk out the door, somewhere in head realizing the severity of her poor decision making skills, still babbling on about something that I no longer cared to listen to or lend any of my attention to. Just as soon as her body had cleared the threshold, the door found its way there with haste.
As soon as the door was shut, I looked back at Cassidy’s face, and could immediately tell that Cassidy was very confused, and did not understand why her friend’s mother had acted this way.
“Cassidy, this has been an example of how not to act when you are in someone’s house. You ALWAYS respect them, becaues you are their guest.”
I could tell this was not enough of an explantion.
“(person’s name) doesn’t understand that you’ve been raised by me, and everyday I’m the one that takes care of you, just as much as your Mom does, and she had no right to say the things she did, …they were very hurtful.”
“Yeah!…I mean, you are my dad in a lotta ways…more than my real dad in some ways…”
I was left with utter confusion. Cassidy, a nine year old kid, had somehow become more mature than her friend’s mother (sigh). In any event, Cassidy gets it, …and is loved.