And I am angry.

I get annoyed when absent bloggers apologize for not having written in awhile. Like they OWE you an explanation. Dude, you have a life, live it and don’t feel like you need to explain it to ANYBODY.

But I’ve totally done it before.

Because I’m all about the hypocrisy.

So here we go.

I haven’t written because I CAN’T. When I sit to write it’s because something funny has struck me and I feel like EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW THIS RIGHT NOW. I’m not an every-day-I-need-to-tell-you-all-the-mundane-shit-I-did type of blogger. Which is odd because I am an every-day-I-need-to-tell-you-all-the-mundane-shit-I-did blog READER. I need to know that your cat threw up today after you fed it real tuna because I am voyeuristic and… well, nosy.

I listen to conversations in restaurants ALL THE TIME. I can’t help it, you people talk LOUDLY about SHIT THAT SHOULD NOT BE SAID IN A RESTAURANT. I’ll turn to Ben like, “Did you just hear what that lady said!?” And he’s like, “Dude, stop being crazy.” Seriously though, if you don’t want the entire restaurant to realize you’re there with your lover and not your husband, LEARN TO WHISPER.

So anyway, when I sit down to write it has to be something I feel like I NEED to say and when I CAN’T say what I NEED to say you get halfass attempts like that last blog post. It actually hurts my brain to read it. I can’t believe that some of you got through it and then COMMENTED. YOU PEOPLE ARE SAINTS.


And then when Ben starts to notice and because he knows me so well he doesn’t say “So I noticed you haven’t blogged lately.” He says, “What are you not saying that you need to say that’s causing you not to blog?” DAMN THAT MAN AND HIS KNOWING ME SO WELL.

This question inevitably leads me to verbal diarrhea that lasts for 20 minutes. I take a deep breath to start and then it all flows out in one really long, never ending sentence and as it’s happening I can feel the tension and the stress and the fuzzy feeling pouring out of me and afterwards I want to light a cigarette and ask him if it was as good for him as it was for me.

It’s never as good for him as it is for me.

So here it goes, the reason I haven’t been able to blog. The reason that every time I sit to write it turns into a 4000 word long rant and most of them are a variation of the work ‘fuck’.



I am so angry at Cassidy’s father for abandoning her just when she’s getting to that point in her life when she NEEDS strong male influences.

I am SO ANGRY that I dropped her off on a Friday in February and pulled her dad aside and explained to him that she’s having some abandonment issues (some deaths in the family affected her more than she even now realizes) and that he NEEDS to be PRESENT in her life right now. She is in counseling and she NEEDS to know that she has her family around to support her and for whatever reason YOUR presence in her life is SO important to her and she REALLY NEEDS you to be there right now.

And then he drove off, put her to bed that night and LEFT. HE LEFT HER THERE. For a week. He chose THAT DAY to break up with his girlfriend of NINE YEARS who Cassidy LOVES AND ADORES and LEFT HER THERE for Mary to pick up the pieces and deal with it.

I am ANGRY that her (now ex) step-mom finally had to explain what was going on TWO DAYS AFTER HE NEVER CAME HOME and her first response was, “I’m never going to get to see you again, am I?” You guys, just writing that sentence literally causes a surge of adrenaline to pump into my heart, I am SO ANGRY.

I am ANGRY that against my better judgment, I let her go down there a few weeks later and he LIED TO ME telling me that she had her own room in a HOME to sleep in and instead, he was living at his automotive shop and left her alone in the dark on a couch and when she woke up THERE WAS A STRANGE MAN IN THE ROOM asleep on the other couch. And she was SCARED and had to PRETEND to be asleep, SCARED. ALONE. WITH A STRANGE MAN.

I am SO ANGRY at him for deciding to leave his beautiful, caring, loving girlfriend that my daughter thought of as her second mother to date a FUCKING PROSTITUTE.

And no, I don’t mean like I’m catty and calling some girl a whore because she looked at my boyfriend the wrong way. I mean, the girl he is dating is an ACTUAL prostitute with online ads like (following links are NSFW) this and this and this.

I am ANGRY that all I had to do to find these sites was google his prostitute girlfriend’s phone number.

I am ANGRY that I now have a file on my computer full of images like this so that when we eventually have to go back to court I’ll have them handy.

I am ANGRY that my daughter can easily find these pictures online. That THIS is the girl he’s chosen to bring around my daughter and sees absolutely NOTHING wrong with what she did/does and thinks that she’s a perfectly acceptable role model!

I am ANGRY that he hasn’t bothered to contact her in TWO MONTHS (except the one time that SHE called HIM) because apparently he’s too busy with his prostitute. And that every time she calls and leaves him a voicemail message she knows will never get returned, I have to watch the sadness she tries to hide in her big beautiful blue eyes.

I AM SO ANGRY that I had to explain to my TWELVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER what a prostitute is because that was the only way to explain to her why “Roxy” is NOT an okay person to be around.

I AM ANGRY that my daughter is hurting. She’s struggling. She’s depressed and sad and putting on a really good show but she’s hurting. She’s lying about SILLY stuff and befriending girls that push her around and she doesn’t even realize that the reasons she’s doing this is because she’s in pain. She hurts and she doesn’t even realize it. And Ben and I are trying REALLY HARD to help her understand but, of course, we’re the ‘bad guys’. We’re the rule makers, the enforcers, the ones that have to pick up all the little pieces that HER FATHER has broken off of her and slowly piece her back together. We glue two on, he knocks three off.

I am SO ANGRY how unfair it is that she has to go through this. That I have to go through this. That Ben has to go through this.

I get angry when people tell me “Well, one day she’ll get it. She’ll see what kind of person he really is.” Like that’s supposed to be some kind of comforting thought. Like the fact that one day she’s going to wake up and realize that it’s not that he doesn’t care NOW, it’s that your dad NEVER CARED about you. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel better? I just smile and nod and try to breathe past the knot that forms in my throat and fight back the tears that my broken heart sends welling up to my eyes.

Mostly, I am angry that I don’t know how to fix this. There is no book to read, no website to look at, no person that can sit you down and give you all the answers. I have no control over this, over him, over what it’s doing to her.

I have no answers.

And I am angry.

20 thoughts on “And I am angry.

  1. This entire post made me tear up, seriously. I had to stop for a minute to compose myself. No kid deserves to be treated that way by one of the two most important influences in her life (or should be important). Reading about what Cassidy is going through because he wanted to follow his pecker to what he presumes as greener pastures. I think what got to me the most was her waking up with some strange guy across the room. That would scare me as an adult, I couldn’t imagine going through that at her age.

    I think that the only thing you can do right now is to continue to try and try, but you and Ben can only do so much, especially at the age she is right now and that hopefully when court comes you can show the judge just how detrimental his actions are on her.

  2. Funny story about that whole “one day she’ll realize he never cared”. It’s not comforting. Coming from the child’s perspective (my Dad practically abandoned me after being abusive for the formative years of my life), it never gets better. It never gets easier. But you accept it and move forth. I know that’s not comforting and I wish I had something comforting to say. But Anna, you have to know that she will be a strong, beautiful woman because of you and Ben. I hope that you know that. She’ll be alright. She’s got an amazing, strong mother guiding her.

  3. No idea what the situation legally is, but this is one of those times I would simply have to put my foot down and just cut of contact completely. Obviously he doesn’t have an ounce of care for your daughter or he wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing. He’s thinking only about what he wants and not considering anyone else in his life so he doesn’t deserve to have any sort of relationship with her, even if she wants it badly.

    I can honestly say that the complete disconnect with my father (wasn’t allowed within 100 miles of me or my siblings until we were 18) was the right thing to do. He had the same sort of mentality, ‘cept he threw in worse actions than just ignoring us. I can say it was a lot easier to just be cut off than have to endure the constant rejection (and torment in my scenario).

    I hope things get better, one way or another. One day she may understand why she’s gone through all this but I know it’s not a comfort. Best thing to do is just keep supporting her in any way you can, as you have been.

  4. There are no words for the rage I’m feeling because of this entry. It triggers my own demons and makes me rageface even harder because someone else is having to go through it.

    Fuck this guy.

  5. I got a little teary-eyed reading this, I won’t lie.

    I don’t know you or Ben or Cassidy beyond the computer but I think the three of you are amazing and are definitely people I admire for many reasons. And to hear this… It breaks my heart for all of you. I don’t know what else to say. I wish I could help and offer some advice but it won’t change him being a selfish asshole or lessen anyone’s pain.

    I can only hope that you three will band together and rely on each other for strength and love. She needs you and Ben more than ever, even if you’re the “bad guys” right now.

  6. I wish there were words that I could fit together that would help you in any way, but unfortunately, I’m not sure there are any. What I can offer is my experience…

    I grew up in Cassidy’s shoes (in much the same way, at least) as far as my father is concerned, and even at 25 – as much as I hate to admit it – I still feel the same as I did at 7 and 11 and 14 and 18… I want my daddy. I don’t know what it is about us girls and our dads, but it’s like no matter how fucked up they are and how horrible they treat us, they’re still our heroes. We can’t help it.

    As suggested above, my mom cut off contact for much of my childhood (from 7 on, with short periods of visitation here and there) but I don’t think that made it any easier. Sure, I wasn’t exposed to the abuse, but it still hurt just the same. Instead of wondering why dad was the way he was, I was left wondering if dad’s still thinking about me or if dad still wants me or loves me. At 18, I ran right back for more…

    I’m just getting to the point now, at 25, where I realize that having him in my life isn’t what I need – or what I want. It’s not conducive to my happiness or my health. I’m not magically cured of the issue – It still hurts like hell to know that he’s got his own life and his own family and that I am not a part of… but I realize now, and it’s easier to accept, that I never was a part of it, and that he’s the one that’s missing out. It’s been hard, but I think I’m a better, stronger person because of it.

    Cassidy is a strong and beautiful young woman. I’m sure it hurts to watch her go through this, as I’m heartbroken to read that someone else has to experience it, but it will get better… As much as it sucks, and it doesn’t help to hear it.

    You may be “the bad guys”, but she needs you now more than she ever will. Don’t let her attitude make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong. She will realize that what you’re doing is out of love and that she deserves to be treated better. And, hopefully with time, that he is not worth her effort or aggravation.

    1. I’m in a similar boat as Ally. Without going into too many details, my Dad and I were really close when I was a little girl. Then he snapped and started physically/emotionally abusing all the kids. So I went through that until I was 12 and he pretty much abandoned me at my Mom’s. He wanted to swap kids. He wanted my little brother. I still don’t know why. From 12 – 15 was a rocky relationship, wherein he was a jerk and CPS was involved and etcetcetc. It culminated the summer after my 15th birthday when he threatened to kill me.

      I didn’t speak to him until I got pregnant with Munchkin. I was 5 months pregnant. Since then, only sporadically have I spoken to him. And here I am at 25, after not talking to him for 2 years, trying to cultivate some damn relationship with him because his newest wife wants me to. But he doesn’t want to. I can feel it. And as much as you want things to be perfect, it’s not going to be. Cassidy will understand someday, yes, but it’s not going to make it hurt any less and she’s always going to need you. Hell, lately I’ve needed Spencer and alone time more than anything because I’m still raging through that “I’m a terrible daughter” syndrome.

      God, I feel so much for Cassidy. I do. I’ve been thinking about this most of the night and I just wish I could hug her just because I can imagine how she must feel. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a time machine and show her her 25-26 year old self and be like, “Look how amazing you are going to be. I knew you could be that amazing and that has nothing to do with anybody but yourself..”

  7. I don’t have a past similar to Cassidy’s but I did grow up without a father. To this day, I still don’t know who my dad is. And that hurts, its like a piece of me has always been missing. As a parent, it angers me to no end when I hear about selfish other parents can be. The part about the couch really makes me want to fly out there with a baseball bat.

    I really hope counseling and the love from you and Ben will allow Cassidy to come out of her current state. You are a wonderful mother, and while you can’t completely eliminate the pain her father is no doubt causing, I know you are trying your best to keep her happy. *hugs* to the three of you!!

  8. I am angry too. I can’t add anything, but I just wanted to say thank God for you and thank God for Ben and the good home and structure you guys provide. Cassidy must be hurting so much right now. She will make it through okay thanks to you guys, but it’s a super shitty situation, and your ex is a callous, immature, selfish jerk to be treating Cassidy this way. I hope he smartens up and realises what a beautiful, sweet, smart, talented daughter he has and starts being the parent he should be.

    Also, clearly he’s into Corvette for her class and intellect. I’m positive it has all the makings of a lifelong union.

  9. Reading about how your ex is treating Cassidy makes me want to punch things. Mostly your ex.

    Maybe she will understand in time, but for now I hope she’ll be ok. I didn’t have a father like she does, but I did have some bad times growing up so I can only slightly imagine what she’s feeling.

    I don’t even know what else to say because everything would come down to punching him.

    p.s. – I am the same type of blogger reader as you. You did laundry? You went to the store? TELL ME!

  10. My dad didn’t do the things that Cassidy’s does, but he never cared either. Well, ok he did kinda do those things. But he always had a way of making me think it was ok, and it’s funny how we always want to protect them and like I’d be all pissy with my mom and try to justify what he did. It took me uh, until my 30’s to realize I did not need to take that abuse, so when people say things like she’ll get it one day it’s bull. She’ll get it, she gets it now, but she can’t bring herself to cut that tie and she won’t be able to for years. I wonder what will happen if the judge sees fit that he has supervised visits or no visits and then you are the bad guys for taking him away. It’s a no win situation and all you can do is hope she doesn’t seek out crappy men in the future because of her issues. Thank you for putting her in counseling, my mother never thought that was worth it!

    I teared up when I read that she asked the gf if she was never going to see her again. And waking up with a strange man? Dude obviously does not care a bit about her well being so why is he still even seeing her? What a craptastic piece of shit! Who dates a prostitute and is ok with what she does?

  11. I can’t add anything, but I’m just thankful that she has you and Ben to help her through this. I can’t even begin to fathom how much restraint you have from just beating the shit out of him.

  12. Oh wow, what an awful situation. You have every right to be angry, and I’m sorry your family is going through this.

    I also eavesdrop on people in restaurants all the time. Specifically Starbucks. My SO also tells me to stop being crazy.

  13. I remember you mentioning something about him not paying child support a while back, but I had no idea that he was capable of being this much of an irresponsible douchebag. I am sorry that he is doing this to Cassidy. As a father, he shouldn’t be like this, but it sounds like he doesn’t really understand much about the responsibility involved in parenting. You have a right to be angry. This kind of situation should make you angry. This kind of situation should make anyone who cares about Cassidy angry. This kind of behavior by him just is acceptable.

    I’m glad that Cassidy has you and Ben. And I hope that one day she realizes just how much you’ve tried to take care of her and protect her. Right now she may see you as the bad guy, but I’m hopeful that one day she might finally understand just how much you love her and how much you’ve tried to keep her safe.

    As for the eavesdropping on people in restaurants, I do it too. I believe if someone is speaking loud enough for me to hear it, then it obviously isn’t something that they are trying to keep secret.

  14. I am so so SO sorry your daughter is going through this.

    I hate when people tell me “well your son knows the kind of bio-father he has…”. Granted, he DOES KNOW, but that doesn’t make it better. He doesn’t understand why his bio-father pretends he doesn’t exists yet is “daddy” to his half-sister. Doesn’t like that he shares a last name with a person who was abusive / ignores him.

    All YOU can do is what you ARE doing. Keep a record of everything. Also, BECAUSE of this situation and her age, the court might ask her how she feels, if she even wants to be around him in that dangerous situation and will take that into account as well.

  15. I am sorry for Cassidy, but I am so glad she has you and Ben.

    A note for Ben: men like you are amazing. I have two stepfathers (my mom is on her third marriage), Ted raised me from just after birth to 9 and Howard raised me from 11 onwards. I don’t have a relationship with my father, before my twin and I were even born he insisted we weren’t his children. Much of my childhood was seeing my alcoholic father show up to pick up my two older siblings (occasionally, if my mom gave him money to feed them, which most of was spent on alcohol) while leaving me and my twin behind. This used to hurt so much I couldn’t even verbalize so I internalized so much. My dad “found God” and quit drinking and tried to reenter my life when I was a teen, and this helped me to realize that step-fathers (and mothers) are amazing people. Ted and Howard are my fathers, they have supported me and cared for me and loved me as their own child when the man that brought me into this world flat out refused to. I don’t have any feelings towards my biological father, but I love my dads.

    I’m sorry Cassidy’s father is like this, it’s terrible when a parent is selfish. In the end it will make her stronger because she will have you and Ben to guide her and lead her towards a better life.

  16. I feel angry for you AND your daughter. One day she WILL grow up and “get it,” BUT that won’t change all the hurt and pain that she went through and it won’t necessarily GO AWAY – she’ll just learn how to cope/deal with it better so that she can keep living her life. I know first hand because I’m 25…my parents divorced when I was 13 and I went through the same abandonment type issues; I STILL deal with them today, even after counseling etc. I guess it’s more because my father hasn’t and probably will never accept what he’s done, did and continues to do in regards to how he treats me & my brother.

    But eventually…it will get better, but you’ll be angry for awhile 🙁 It sucks!

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