Today marks the end of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It’s also the last day that Kelly, an inspirational breast cancer survivor, will be working with me. She got a job at Nasa just a few freeway exits down from here. I hate Nasa now because they are stealing her away from me. Except for whoever it was that invented the freeze dried food. It would be very hard to hate that person.

Kelly has saved my sanity here at work for the last year. Seriously, without her there would have been days I came home with enough stress to fill the house, pour out into the streets and flood most of downtown San Jose. Instead, I just flooded the streets in our immediate neighborhood. This has been ESPECIALLY true for the last month or so as a series of events played out that really reminded me what it is I look for in a friend. Kelly is without a doubt, somebody I proudly consider a friend. She love me EVEN THOUGH I drop F-bombs, and am loud, and opinionated, and curt, and vain sometimes overly confident. She has reminded me how wonderful it is to have a true, genuine friendship. The fact this has happened in a building full of people I’d never associate with if not for the fact that I’m PAID to do so has been a fantastic bonus.

People like Kelly should be a reminder to us how important it is, as women, to get a mammogram EVERY YEAR. Get a pap smear EVERY YEAR. I know that these things are uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, and can be embarrassing, and scarry… but it is SO important. Kelly is a survivor. And in some weird twist of serendipity, her surviving saved my sanity.

I’ll miss you, Kelly. Don’t worry though, I’ll remind you how much you miss me in emails. Daily. Sometimes hourly. Probably more. 😉

Halloween Sp00ktacular

Last night was SO. MUCH. FUN. I laughed more than I have in MONTHS. The best part was seeing Ben so happy. He’s a happy drinker. The more he gets in him the bigger his smile gets and the more funny he becomes. I have more pictures but I want to get to the Farmers Market before all the good stuff is gone. Some of the pics didn’t turn out well because, well the operator was a bit tipsy. There were other cameras there to I’m sure some funny stuff should surface in the next few days. 😉



I need some time to decompress from the last few months.

Tomorrow is the Halloween party. Sandra is bringing mummy mojito mix! FTW!! Sunday Cassidy and I will do the farmers market and hopefully some brunch with the female parental unit. I never thought I’d be saying this out loud but I miss my mommy… Then next weekend I’ll be in BakersHell but that’s okay because I’ve already suckered Julie into dinner on Friday night. Now I just have to convince Kristen and Lisa. *bats eyelashes* Then the rest of that weekend will be spent sucking in as much Carrielee and Amber time as possible. I miss my Carrielee. A lot. Lots and lots and lots and lots.

Oh yeah, tomorrow Ben is going to buy a Range Rover and a car trailor so he can start towing his M3 to the track. Long overdue. I’m stoked for him. Then in two weekends we’ll be at Thunderhill with the track car for the first time since the motor rebuild. Ben will be BACK AT THE TRACK. And all will be well with the world. 🙂

The theme is coming along very well. I hadn’t planned on having to use SO much PHP. But it’s been fun. And challenging. And it’s starting to finally take shape and I’m REALLY liking it. It won’t be November 1st but hopefully not long after. I’ll throw somethng temp up here in the mean time because the pink is so… PINK! But it’s for a good cause and I’m going to see it through.

Look in the mirror while you point that finger.

I was going to email this to you but I thought it would be more fun if your friends read it first before they copied it and emailed it to you. And so they could see that you are not that angel you say you are:

You are a walking delusional contradiction. Seriously. Stop going to my site, I can ban your IP’s if that makes it easier on you. Tell your genuine spy’s, I mean friends, not to forward you stuff if you don’t want to read it. Just delusional.

Here are a FEW examples of why you need to take a look in the mirror and stop pointing fingers. Email after email of you talking shit about Crystal. Why is it you feel so threatened by other women, Vanessa? Is it because you are not comfortable with being feminine yourself? Really? I don’t get why you “Hate” on other girls so much. The only difference between ME and YOU is that I HAVE A BACKBONE AND YOU HIDE BEHIND A COMPUTER. So Vanessa you ARE a “smile to thier face but talk shit behind their back” kind of person. I met you in February, these emails started in MARCH. I just can’t believe it took me 8 months to finally see you for who you were all along and letting your poison sink so far into everybody you touched in the process.

Also is a copy of the email you sent to Chris’s ex girlfriend telling her to stop emailing him when it was HIM emailing HER, not the other way around. Such a secure, trusting, healthy relationship, Vanessa!!! You should totally become a marriage counselor!!

These are really the only things worth addressing. The rest of it was just third grade hair pulling.

First, a very good example of you talking about what you don’t know about:

As much as Ben may hate me now (that’s fine-
his loyalties lie with you as they should) I actually feel sorry for
him, I’ve heard he has changed for the worse since he has been with you.
I didn’t know him then so I can’t say it’s my opinion.

Nobody has said that to you, Vanessa, and if they did, it surely wasn’t one of your “genuine” friends. Ben met the NorCal crew at Bimmerfest 3 years ago. We started NorCal two years ago. But we’ve been together for OVER FOUR. None of them knew him before he was with me, moron. One of those half-truths I said people would be telling you when they wanted to tell you what you wanted to hear.

YOUR EMAILS ABOUT CRYSTAL (too bad I don’t have all the phone calls too):

Hopefully she doesn’t start posting “modeling” pics of herself on NorCal threads. I mean even if I was uber hot and a supermodel, the last thing I would do is post pics of my “modeling” on a mostly guy forum I just joined., (…) How lame!

but now I am pissed at Chris because he apparantly PM’ed her and he won’t tell me what he said.

so apparantly Alex has posted pics of her on Bimmerforums and I think they might be nudie pics- I guess they are under some thread of post pics of your girlfriend or something. Keep this between you and I.

I know! She just sounds like the typical stripper. And it sort of pissed me off the way she was writting to Chris- talking about all the bikini photo shoots she does.

Yeh I know what you mean-but I guess she is like 20. And isn’t it lame that she is telling Chris to check them out, I mean am I crazy that it bothers me.

Ooh I bet she will buy a NorCal shirt and tie it at her tummy and wear it with her daisy dukes with some stripper heals. I bet she owns the clear kind- like the hookers wear 🙂 LOL

Yeh but now Chris is pissed at me and says I am acting stupid and that I shoudn’t be tripping over her email to him or her pics. Totally between you and me… here is the email he sent me that she sent him ( he sent it to me)
Tell me what you think, inappropriate, yes or no? BTW keep this between you and I – thanks

Hi Chris, yes I got it. I didn’t know I had it though. I checked the box to send me a message but I didn’t get an email I would have never known unless you said something.
BBQ- Alex has to work until 4, so I figured we could get it started around 4ish. Bring some sort of macaroni salad type dish. We will provide the meat and the salad. Oh and if you guys want anythign specific to drink, bring that also. I haven’t called Ahren yet, can you? I know that they would need advance notice. Braden is welcome to come, but the dogs will here.
I also invited Libby and Jay, but Libby said Jay was sick, so I don’t know there. Libby and I had a bit of a isunderstanding over the car I sold her, and she continued to say I still owed my extra $3200 on the loan, which I didn’t, obviously! So we are a little rough, but I guess she got over just talking shit, because now she is being nice. Anyways, so back to the subject.
I actually have a photoshoot to update my portfolio and I am doing it around a bunch of really high end cars in a mechanic garage (I do ALOT of spokesmodeling for Umbrella Girls and we do a bunch of car/motorcycle events), and I’m going to squeeze my car in there and get a few with my baby and then post them on OT…look for them in the next week!
Have a great day and try to stay dry, I’m off to the tanning booth!

OK so Chris just emailed me and said this better stay between you and I – No emailing this to the girls, so please!! keep it between you and I. thanks girl.

Chris is totally pissed at me- that sucks, I hate that he always defends dumb birds like that. Anyways I am off to lunch 🙁

Yeh I am so bummed now. Chris is totally being an asshole to me now and now I feel like shit 🙁 He always acts like I am being the bitch and he defends stupid chics.

Whatever, she just seems like a total skank. And apparantly her boyfriend is proud of it. I’ll have to check it out later, when I can sign up for an account.

OMG I just looked at these- I logged in as Chris. Those are so skanky! They look like low budget porn shots- And by the way Chris is such a liar, he said that he didn’t see skanky pics of her- just one of her with her friends. That’s bullshit because all the pics are posted together. Whatever I’m not going to waste my time even addressing it with him.


Anyways, Libby is a long story *shakes head* , better told in person. Yes she apparently has a tough time keeping her shirt on at parties. It’s unfortunate, because people are starting to remember that and talk about her on the forums.


Then I had drama with some dumb girl- better to tell ya all of it tomorrow, it’s too much to write. The drama was with some dumb girl from Thousand Oaks. I can’t believe someone drove that far for a party.

The email YOU sent to Chris’s ex accusing her of emailing him when it was HIM that was emailing HER first:

The fact that I have to even write an email like this is pretty silly but I’ll contribute it to your age and maturity or rather lack there of. I thought maybe after Chris wrote back with a short reply or didn’t reply when you emailed him- that you would get the hint, but it doesn’t seem you have. Chris and I have been back together happily since last year and there is no place in our relationship for you to keep emailing him.

So let me spell it out for you, real simply- STOP EMAILING MY BOYFRIEND.

Give it up already. He isn’t going to call you or hang out with you! He will never be your friend! And let me be clear as to why that is. It’s not because you are a female, he has female friends, friends that I know, like and respect- problem is that you are none of those. I think you are trashy and skanky and not someone I could ever like or respect as you have shown with your actions. I would never be friends with a girl like you and neither will Chris. In a very bad lapse of judgment Chris exchanged emails with you, when we were not together for a short time, emails which I read and are confirmation of what a skank you are. Please! Take some advise here- emailing guys that you are going to give them a drunken call cuz you think it’s funny- MAKES YOU LOOK IMMATURE AND STUPID!!!

Seriously give it up- It’s a good thing you lost his number now just loose his email! Why do you think he didn’t write you back with his number?????Uhhhh it’s because he doesn’t want you calling him. Chris is being nice and is hardly ever a jerk to anyone, but I have no problem being a jerk especially to someone like you. Get the hint and give it up.
By the way it’s good to hear you finally have a real job and that your not tramping it at the titty bar anymore- now all you have to do is just find someone who cares to share this with- NOT CHRIS!!!

For your sake I hope we never run into each other because I will probably lower myself to your trashy level and express just how much I like you!

OMG I made such a fool of myself. It turns out Chris lied to me and he emailed HER to say hi and she emailed him back.
Wow I am totally loosing it- not sure what I’m going to do!

Don’t ever talk about my glass house again.

Everything I wanted to say and didn’t…

…in the last email I sent you because I was in a hurry and knew that saying these things would not accomplish my end goal.

  • Don’t tell somebody that you want to be around “genuine” people then in the next breath talk about how you wish those very same genuine people would tell others how they really feel about them. Genuine people would be, ya know, GENUINE and DO THAT ON THEIR OWN. Setting an example by speaking directly to the person you have a problem with might be a good place to start.

    Moral: If YOU were genuine, maybe you’d have genuine friends.

  • Don’t assume because you spend all day every day sending people emails over and over and over and over and over means that you are their BFF. Or that because you are so incredibly gifted at kissing ass that you are ever getting the whole story. Because you aren’t. You are getting half truths and only the snippets people want you to hear. They are gving everybody else the half truths and snipped that everybody else want’s to hear.

    Moral: We are all getting bullshit.

  • Don’t email people over and over and over and over. THEN! Don’t accuse one of the most decent, honest, wonderful guys I’ve ever met (other than Ben of course) of making anybody uncomfortable by the amount of email they send when YOU ARE ALWAYS THE INITIATOR OF THE EMAIL. If I had a $1 for every time somebody told me how sick they get of you and your ridiculous amounts of email I could buy your self esteem back for you.

    Moral: Trying so hard to get people to like you, only makes them like you less.

  • Don’t EVER AGAIN try and tell ANY of my friends that they have an unhealthy relationship. Or trust issues. If I hear it I’ll have no qualms whatsoever showing them exactly why it is that you are the last person to be handing out relationship advise. ESPECIALLY when it come to issues of trust. Fix YOUR relationship first.

    Moral: Your glass house already has a few rock chips.

Yeah, I think that’s about it. I reserve the right to add more later though. Man, I feel better now. And really, I don’t wish you anything but the best. But I think that in order for you to embrace “the best” you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim. And that YOU are responsible for YOUR actions. It took me two years and three different counselors before one of them finally nailed that stake in my head. It’s hard, but being able to see flaws in yourself actually makes you a better person.

I’ve talked to exactly five people about this stuff. Five. I know that you think I’ve gone running my mouth to everybody but I can find MUCH better topics of conversation. Like the exact shape and size of my last bowel movement. THAT’S a better topic than you and your cry for attention and drama and campaign to be She With The Most FAKE Genuine Friends. Good luck with that. You are REALLY gonna need it.

Less is more.


I wrote a blog out today that included phrases like “will retake the place of the catty, manipulative, bitch you wanted to backhand a month ago” and “and sticking your nose so far up somebody else’s ass you have problems determining where your nose ends and their colon starts”. I think maybe my backspace key isn’t quite functioning well enough to be blogging about some stuff publicly just yet… So to make myself feel better, the post in its entirety is available over at The Vox Blog but only to those of you who I have set as friend or family. The rest of you will just have to sit and wonder what I’m talking about and assume you have a clue.

We had a great time at Laguna Seca this weekend. I laughed so much my tummy is actually a bit sore. I could go on and on about all the funny things that happened and all the laughing and the crazy late night trips to Safeway for sweat pants but I’m really so tired I’m having problems keeping my eyes open as a write this. So I think instead I’ll go curl up on the couch and catch up on some TiVo’d goodness and call it a night.

P.S. – I’m working on a new theme. Like, coding it from the ground up. A THEME for wordpress, not a ‘layout’. An actual functioning theme with multiple php subpages and stuff. I realized I had gotten lazy and taking a prefab theme and manipulating and molesting it into what I wanted wasn’t “fulfilling me”. Ben inspired me to start setting more goals for myself. Like, achievements. This is one. Get back into the present and start keeping up with the latest interweb goodness. I can’t believe how much things can change in a year in the world of HTML, XHTML, PHP. Last night I went to sleep and suddenly tables became passe and all the cool kids were using divs and Web 2.0 swept the globe and cured World hunger.

I could set a goal to have it up by the beginning of Novenber but I think we all know how WONDERFUL I am at meeting those goals. See, I’m setting myself up for failure here so in the off chance I actually get it all coded and functioning by then you can all go on and on about how awsome I am. If not, feel free to point and laugh at will.

Oh yeah! Julie is back!!. Go show her love becuase if she leaves the internet again I might actually have that nervous breakdown I’ve been talking about for the last four years.

Flu = Pwned

I just got a flu shot. And I don’t have TB. I guess this is one of the “perks” of working at a Major Medical University. Yearly TB tests and flu shots even though I don’t ever see patients.

I’m not sure how smart it was of me to get the flu shot since I’ve been on a steady supply of headache killing medicine for four days and I can hardly breathe out of my nose. *shakes fist at germs*

Oh well, assume if I don’t post in the next four days or so that it was a really bad idea. heh

At the end of the day…

Sandra and I are so FTW.

Oh there’s so much to talk about and I really wish I had the energy or the time or the desire. I’m not sure this is the place. People read aflux. More people than let on… If I went into everything here it would only escalate and revive what I let go of today.

I had to send an email today to somebody I thought I could trust with my life and let him know that not only is that trust broken, but it’s damaged to the point that I really have no desire to ever even try to fix it. Maybe some day. Maybe not. Probably not. I’m not a forgive and forget kinda person. I’m a forgive and never let myself get to the point I can feel so betrayed again kinda person. Safe.

Along with the email I sent the aggression, the stress, the worry, the bad energy… Like an emotional attachment (pun intended). It’s yours now to do with as you may. You own it. It’s not mine anymore.

I’ve been physically ill since Sunday evening. I think it’s 75% virus and 25% poison from this drama. Hopefully now I can start to recover both mentally and physically.

I’m NOT GETTING SICK. I’m cuddling with Ben and temporarily forgetting that anything else in the world matters.

6 Things About Myself That are Weird

So Mandi tagged me for 6 Things About Myself That are Weird. I like to read back through these and follow links and read answers. It seems like everybody is struggling to come up with six things. I bet you I could list 40. For me it’s not so much coming up with them, but coming up with the ones I can write about then face the people who read this that I hang out with in real life without feeling like a complete ass. Which I guess shouldn’t really be as big an issue as I think it is because I have no problem making myself out to be an ass all on my own without the blog. heh

1) I don’t like pizza. It’s been pointed out to me on several occasions that everybody in the UNIVERSE, except me, likes pizza. I attribute this to eating it far too much when I was younger (18-20ish) and at LAN parties all the time and that was our primary source of food. I’m okay if we get the garlic chicken pizza from Papa Murphy’s. Other than that, yech.

2) I yell at people in the car a lot. It’s not that I think they can HEAR me or that I think it will solve the problem, but it’s stress relief. I’ve been trying to convince Ben for over two years to let me get a blow horn on my car so people can hear me but he says I’ll “abuse it”.

3) I hang my clothes in color order. I hate to do laundry but I’ll never let Ben wash or put away my clothes because if a red shirt got put into the blue shirt section for some reason, my entire world might implode and I’d spontaneously combust into white hot flames of death. I’m the same way with my pots and pans. And the tupperware. And the pantry items. You’d think that my house would be very clean because of these little idiosyncrasies. But you’d be very wrong.

4) I don’t like to be lightly touched. I mean, I don’t mind if you have your entire hand on me. Or your legs are laying over mine or if Ben rubs my back… but if we are sitting on a couch and your arm is lightly touching mine, or our legs are barely making contact, or in a very crowded room and people kinda brush past you lightly… I start to get annoyed. Like, I actually find it ANNOYING!?

5) Mandy tagged me like, four months ago and I’m JUST NOW getting around to posting it. So I guess #5 is: I like to procrastinate.

6) I still lay in bed sometimes at night and “dream” that I’m some top secret government agent. Like, so top secret even the GOVERNMENT doesn’t know I work for them. Like Jack Bauer! Only more pink-ish and slightly less accident prone…

Because I have no self respect

Note: I originally wrote this MONTHS ago and it didn’t work but the newer version or WP seems to allow it so, YAY! Also, I went on to lose 8 more pounds after I wrote this. Then over the course of 6-7 months got really lazy and gained it all back. 🙁 Ben and I are on the road to getting rid of it AGAIN and I’m -2 pounds from my oroginal starting goal a year ago. *cries*

Not too long ago I posted this picture at flickr and promised video of Cassidy owning me on the obstacle course. After I SAW the video and my gut roll at the end I had a small gigantic moment of OMFG HIDE THE VIDEO AND NEVER LET IT BE SEEN! Now that I’ve dropped 10 pounds(!!) though and I’m feeling better I figured, what the hell. Because really, it’s the fact that a seven year old beat me through a 50 foot long obstacle course that I should be ashamed of.

P.S. – How cool is the embeded video into blogs so easily now?!?