Next weekend Cassidy is going to be leaving for her dads house on Friday (the 18th). She will be gone for a whole month. Actually more, I’m going to give her to Troy till August 1st. 47 days. OMG!! 47 DAYS. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with her being gone that long. I’m going to insist on getting to see her two weekends out of the month and a half. A month and a half. Jesus.
The worst time for me when she leaves, even when she’s only leaving for a week, is the first day or two that she’s gone. I’m so used to always being aware of her presence. Geting homework done, feeding her 18 times a day (growth spurt), taking her to school and picking her up (one of my favorite times of the day with her is on the way to and from school), washing her hair, reading her a bed time story, saying ‘Star Light Star Bright’ and making a wish… these are all things that I do EVERY day.
So of course Ben is my rock and guiding light for those first 2-3 days that she is gone. Well, his step-mom Kandy and his dad have invited him up to Washington to spend Fathers Day with his dad. It was a really nice gesture on both their parts. Since we are beyond broke at the moment, they are paying for his airplane tickets. I’m excited for him because I know that he will have a good time getting to see them all and his sister and her kids.
BUT, I’m not going to have anybody here to tell me to stop being over dramatic about Cassidy being gone. Since I’ve been battling the deprssion I’ve really depended on Ben a lot. I know that I need to start dealing with stuff like this on my own… but Jesus, A MONTH AND A HALF!!!!
I have problems being alone. I have had this problem since the depression kicked in hard core about three months before I moved up here. When I’m alone I feel like the world around me is so big it’s going to swollow me up and nobody will ever be able to find me ever again. I almost get a little scared to leave the house. This feeling kicks in hard core as soon as Cassidy leaves to go to her dads house. But now, she is going to be gone and Ben is going to be in ANOTHER STATE!
I actually started to tear up when thinking about it earlier. This is going to be a REAL test of strength for me. And a test of sanity.
A month and a half.