Let go.

So, Cassidy’s father called her yesterday for the first time in three months. Nice, eh? It actually IS nice because it had been six moths since he called to ask to have her for summer…. Somebody must have reminded him it was her birthday. Or, reminded him that he HAS a daughter.

While on the phone he asked when is the next time he can see her. I’ve told him no less than five times that her school has a calendar online that he can access whenever he wants to know what her scheduled days off are. I’m not about to hold his hand through that anymore. He also has the schools name, phone number, address, etc. If it means so much to you (I’m assuming it’s about as important as CALLING her is) then LOOK IT UP, asshat.

But the zinger… He asked me how far Infineon Raceway is from us. I told him 4-5 hours because that’s how long it seemed like it took Ben and I to get there when we went but after talking to Ben, he said it’s only about 2 hours away. Anyway, he asked because he “really wants to see her and he’s going to be up there racing with Patrick (See: Worlds 3rd biggest asshole) and was wondering if he would be able to see her at the track”.

Instead of thinking for a second before I spoke and trying to be dimplomatic:

Me: So you are going to drive 8 hours on the weekend of Cassidy’s birthday to go RACE with PATRICK but you can’t EVER take a day off to even come VISIT her. Or CALL HER?!

I realized right away that my foot was planted too firmly into my mouth to say anything past that so I just something about Cassidy wanting to talk to him and gave her back the phone.

SEE HER AT THE TRACK! Are you serious! I don’t know what more humorous! The fact that you think after two calls in a year that I’d actually offer to drive her there or the fact that you think you’d actually spend time with her AT THE TRACK or that you think her idea of an OMGHAPPY birthday with her dad would be to spend it AT THE TRACK! Maybe if you paid me 1% of the $20,000+ in child support you owe me I’d CONSIDER the POSSIBILITY for .12 seconds! But probably not!

I KNOW I should not let his shoddy parenting get to me. I KNOW that eventually Cassidy will realize this when she gets older and that he’s really digging his own grave with her. But there is still the small, naive hope that one day he will grow up and start to BE A DAD. Be a person she can count on. Be somebody who calls more than twice a year when a family member reminds him she exists.

But it’s NOT going to change. Racing is still more important than his daughter. His buddies are still more important than his daughter. His girlfriend is now more important than his daughter. Work is more important than his daughter. This is NOT going to change. Ever. Time to squash that naive part of me and get rid of the last of it for good.

*deep breath*

Let go. Stop expecting better things from him. Stop trying to understand why things don’t and won’t change. Let him be the father he is going to be. Let Cassidy determine the relationship she will have with him. Just. Let. Go.

Like Spring. Only NOT.

Why do I obsessively clean whenever Ben’s parents come to town? I clean for maybe an hour when my dad and Cherie come to visit. Maybe. But I spent the last 4.5 hours scrubbing, dusting, mopping, laundry, windows, ordering Cassidy around (but she loves to help out and begs me for tasks), organizing. It’s ridiculous, really.

I guess it’s because my dad has to love me even though I’m a slob but Ben’s parents can CHOOSE not to love me because there’s a dust bunny in the corner by the bar that I’ve named Stan who I water once a day and has his own college fund. But really, who DOESN’T love me. There’s so much to love. I’m cute like that.

I’m going to go scrub the baseboards with Ben’s toothbrush now.

IE < Firefox

Yes, I realize that the sidebar doesn’t work in SOME versions of IE. When I have to use IE (I only use it when checking to see if code looks pretty) I’m using Version 7.0.5X Beta 2. If you don’t have it, get it, because then not only can you view the site correctly, but the 21.2% of you aflux readers who still use IE won’t have an ancient piece of software wasting space on your hard drive.

Otherwise, join the 48.1% of us who have finally freed ourselves from that enormous pile ‘o shit and have switched to a happier, more loving browser.

P.S. – Or deal with it for a month. Because in November I’ll be debuting a completely new aflux with a look, feel and direction I’ve never gone before. TEASE! HA!

Dear American Citizens,

Please stop shooting our children. Please stop walking into schools (the ONE place our kids should be allowed to roam and learn and grow without being scared and paranoid) and molesting, terrorizing and shooting our FUTURE.

10/02/2006: At least six killed in Amish school shooting

Three girls, all critical with gunshot wounds and ages 6 through 12, were admitted to Lancaster General Hospital, spokesman John Lines told NBC affiliate WGAL-TV.

When you walk into a classroom and shoot a SIX YEAR OLD, you are not allowed to take your own life. You aren’t allowed to take the cowards way out. How dare you.

On Friday (09/29/2006), a 15-year-old student fatally wounded his school’s principal in western Wisconsin. A drifter in Colorado Wednesday (09/27/2006) took six female high school students hostage, molested them and then shot one to death and killed himself as police closed in.

How is it that we let people walk around who are so unstable that walking into a school and killing innocent children has happened TWICE in less than a week? How do students get so infuriated or frustrated that the answer becomes walking into a school and shooting the principal?

This is our future, OUR FUTURE. How do we go about saving everybody else in the World when our own house is in such a state of disarray?

I’m not even sure what to say about this. Seven children in less than a week. Seven families. Seven moms with broken hearts and who’s CHILDREN have been stolen from them. Seven children who had all the potential in the World to grow into flourishing and productive members of society… Seven kids who could have been my own.

I’m not which emotions is stronger. Sadness by the pain so many people are going through right now? Anger at the assholes who felt the need to kill innocent children? Fear of sending my daughter to school and assuming she’s okay and the future that seems to be unfolding before her…

The Princess had a party.

I’m exhausted. We had seven kids to Chuck E Cheeses for Cassidy’s birthday party Saturday. Afterwards, The fejj brought over his girls to play and Cassidy had choosen two girls to spend the night so at one point I had 5 girls running through the house playing hide and go seek. It was hysterical. I got them to settle down by turning on Mario Kart. FTW!

They all left today at noon after a pancake breakfast and mini golf and slurpees. I fell asleep not long after on the couch because GOOD LORD THE ENERGY OF 8 YEAR OLD GIRLS! I’m too tired to even be funny. So, I’ll leave that for another day…

Her actual birthday is Wednesday so we’ll do a her dinner. We always do dinners on the acutal Big Day with the birthday boy/girl getting to choose the place. This has become a little tradition since we moved to San Jose. Hopefully she doesn’t pick The Cheese again. *crosses fingers*